Spring Crushes

Dear Reid,

Spring is here and you know what that means: Love is in the air and in my French class. There is this girl I have noticed since the first day of the quarter. I am a shy person, so it took a long time fo rme just to talk to her, let alone ask her on a date. Witht he quarter ending in two weeks, I don’t have much time left, and I need your advice. Do I ask her out now and hope it goes well enough to stay in contact over the summer? Or do I wait until next year and try to approach her then?

Sincerely,
Shot by Cupid’s Arrow

What’s the deal? This isn’t supposed to be a serious advice column. Let me tell you, this is a tough question. In fact, like so many other questions I’ve addressed since this column began, I know where you’re coming from. I’ve put a lot of thought into this, Arrow, and, although I am utterly unqualified to even think about counseling you on this one, I really think you should heed my advice. Today, after Span- er, I mean French, you should talk to this girl. You’ve been a wuss about this long enough; it’s time to just take the plunge and ask her out. Hell, you just asking for a date… right? Don’t worry about the end of the year coming up. don’t worry about what will happen during the summer. Whatever happens happens. Oh, and I have a feeling that you’re a pretty hip and groovy guy and that there’s really no reason that anyone wouldn’t want to go out with you.

Dress Codes

Dear Reid,

This weekend I am participating in the Tinman Triathalon. I feel that their uniform regulations are very restricting. I would like to do the entire race in just a jock strap. Do you think this would be frowned upon by the Tinman? If it is frowned upon, can you use your celebrity power to influence a rule change?

Sincerely,
Athletic Supporter

Alas, my fame has not reached the extent at which I am able to influence rule changes in other organizations at my whim. However, might I say that I am in full support – pardon the pun – of your cause. I think dress codes are a horrifying violation of our personal right to freedom of expression. Pretty soon this school will have us in uniforms. I, for one, will not stand for this. No way am I going to wear a blue blazer and checkered shirt to class every day. Where does it all end?

Getting Naked

Dear Reid,

I have acouple of friends who are always asking if I want to get n’ked. I am kind of uncomfortable with being n’ked with my friends, but my curiosity is starting to grow. Do you have any advice for my situation?

Sincerely,
Still Clothed

Let me start out by saying that I had no idea what it meant to get “n’ked.” At first I thought you were talking about shaving, but could not for the life of me comprehend why one would want to nick oneself with one’s friends. I got it when I read your signature. Anyway, declothing with friends is a favorite pastime of many people, and I can see where you’re coming from with the curiosity thing. Personally, I like to keep my clothes on when I’m with my friends, but to each his/her own. If you are seriously clothes-removal as a hobby, consider a streak-fest at the upcoming Spring Concert. The Delilahs will love it. They did last year.

Follow-up to Magic Shell

Dear Reid,

Thank you for your “Magic Shell” advice. Pouring cold water on the surface was not nearly as effective as the ice cube, and the water was also a lot more messy. Once chilled, things hardened quickly. Thanks again, Reid. You rule.

Sincerely,
Hard!

I’m glad the ice worked out for you. I hadn’t thought of the mess pouring a cold liquid on the surface could make. I mean, assuming you’re trying to cover Rice-a-Roni with the “Magic Shell,” pouring cold water on it just wouldn’t work.

How To Stop Phone Solicitors

Dear Reid,

I have been getting a lot of phone calls asking me to try their credit cards. I try to say no, but they won’t let me. So I say yes just to make them stop. Now I have close to 50 credit cards and no more room in my wallet. What do I do to make them stop without saying yes?

Sincerely,
Can’t Say No

Don’t you hate those phone solicitors? Man, they piss me off. The only way I’ve found to deal with those jerks that wake you up in the morning soliciting their crappy cards has been to tell them this: “I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now. Why don’t you just give me your home phone number so I can call you up at some ungodly time of the morning and harass you. While you’re at it, give me your home address so I can flood your mailbox with trivial offers for overpriced pieces of clay that sprout grass.” Then, having shut them up for a second, you can hang up the phone without feeling rude for cutting them off in the middle of a sentence.

How To Harden a Magic Shell

Dear Reid,

I recently purchased “Magic Shell” ice cream topping and I was wondering if the surface it is put on needs to be cold to harden.

Sincerely,
Getting Hard

This is one of the great questions of life. Although you may think that the topping hardens due to exposure to air, it is in fact the cold that causes it to harden. However, if you happen to pour the topping onto a surface that is not cold, even a surface that is naturally quite warm, it is possible to get it to harden. Try rubbing an ice cube or pouring an extremely cold liquid on this warm survace – be sure to rub it slowly and tenderly – before applying the “Magic Shell” topping. I’m sure it will work, although I can’t for the life of me imagine what you would want to use it on besides ice cream and asses.

Dear Reid Shares the Hard Facts of Life

Dear Reid,

I’ve been dating this woman since the beginning of the school year. Sometimes, when we’re all alone, my girlfriend throws up all over me and then blames it on me. I want to say something, but I’m in love with her and don’t want to hurt her. What should I do? Help.

-Smelling in Spooner

If it helps at all, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. I’ve been there. When I saw myself getting trampled on like this, I did what any reasonable human would do. I taped garbage bags all over my body. Soon, my clothes quit smelling and my girlfriend appreciated me more.