A Horny Anglophile

Dear Reid,

I never thought I’d be writing to you, but I’m convinced that you can help me. My TA is running my life. I spend all of my time fantasizing about him in the Gap, where he obviously gets so much of his snappy wardrobe. I think about him so much, I’m coming down with carpal tunnel syndrome. Every time he lectures on the plight of the modern movie, I swoon. My life has become one of unbridled onanism. Of course, movies aren’t the only thing that get my juices flowing: There’s a tremendous pile of his sticky, crumpled articles in my room… I feel bad defiling good literature like that. Help me, Reid, before I go mad and rip my clothes off and molest him right there in class. You’re my only hope.

Sincerely,
A Horny Anglophile

I know how you feel. Well, sort of. I know what it’s like to have a crush on someone that you just can’t be with; and that’s really what I think you’re experiencing. A relationship between TA and student is simply inappropriate. I’m afraid that my advice to you on this one is to find a new focal point into which you can pour the energies that you have so far been wasting on this hopeless obsession. Pick, for instance, someone not so far out of your league, someone more on your level. Try to find another student in your class (or another member of whatever organization, club, or band with which you are involved) on whom you could focus your attentions. Basically, anyone that you choose will be better than a TA. I mean, that’s really bad… A lot bad… Very much so. Yeah.

Anyway, if you are not involved in anything, well, get involved. Go to plays, to jazz concerts, to films on campus. Find a club to join, maybe one having to do with your future career goals; if you’re a Chemistry major, join the Chem-Bio club, if an English major, hey, copy edit for the paper. Also, you may want to consider travel to get your mind off of this TA of yours. Stop down by the ISTC office in the Student Center, they have some great people down there who will tell you everything you want to know. And you never know, maybe you’ll meet someone down there worthy of your fixation.

Three's Company

Dear Reid,

We have a problem and we just don’t know where to turn, so we thought you might be able to help. We are seniors, and for the last three years we have been searching for a person to join our group (we are composed of one male and one female). Perhaps join isn’t the right word though. Perhaps… copulate is. Let’s think back to the ever-so-popular flick, Threesome.

However, as much as we adore that hallowed piece of cinematography, our threesome can be either two women and one man*, or one woman and two men. Anyway, the problem is that we are living in a constraining environment. It’s not very accepting of all fetishes. Now, we know that you are an accepting person, Reid, that is why we trust you and respect your advice. Reid, what ever can we do? We have been searching for the perfect third for three years, but to no avail. We’re getting a little… discouraged. There have to be others out there who have the same… wants… needs… curiosities. But you can’t really advertise for fear of bodily harm and ridicule. What’s a couple to do? Two is the loneliest number.

Sincerely,
Three’s Company

I know how you feel. The best way to help you with this matter is to share with you my own personal experience – oh, wait, nevermind…

Instead, I’ll just make something up, like I usually do. While one-on-one intimacy holds a special place in the hearts of us all, sometimes it just gets a little, well, boring. I mean, there are only a finite number of things you can do with just two people. Sure, Barnes & Noble has an entire section of books on the subject, but the average college student can’t be expected to actually read anything from which they might learn – aside, of course, from this column. Once you’ve looked at all the pictures, what’s left to do?

Anyway, the possibility of throwing a third party into the loop is an exciting and intriguing option for those bored with positions 1-296. You seem to have already decided that this is the way for you to go, so the next problem is trying to find your third. One of the most important decisions in the relationship of a young couple in this day and age is choosing the right third party for their menage a trois.

Such a monumental step should not be taken lightly, and it is reassuring to me that you have put so much time and thought into it so far.
First, sit down and talk about the male/female issue. It is important that the two of you agree on the gender of the third party. Next, you should each sit down and make a list – ordered, of course – of people that you know with whom you would like to sleep. Try to limit the lists to around 30 or 40 names. Put your lists side by side, and scan down from the top until you reach the first name that is on both lists. Now it’s time for the proposition. This stage can be awkward. You have to present the idea to your choice in a breezy, casual, yet not exactly nonchalant way.

Make this party know that you’re not kidding, but don’t pressure him or her (yet). If the first choice doesn’t accept, simply move on down the list. Now, while I’d really like to help you out more, I feel that it is best for you, my fair couple, to do most of the work on this project on your own, as it is always an experience that will bring you closer together. Unless, of course, the third person is going in between.

Zapped Like Scott Baio

Dear Reid,

I’m writing to you because I have a rather unique problem that I can’t share with my friends. I think it would be best if I started at the beginning. A few weeks ago, I was working on a physics lab involving electricity, when suddenly the air started crackling and searing bolts of electricity nailed me in the head. I was knocked out, and when I came to, I was surprised to find that nothing was really wrong with me. I got up, dusted myself off, and went home. When I got there, I was greeted by one of my roommates.

All of a sudden, I was hearing his thoughts in my mind. It was totally weird, and I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on. Then my other roommate came in, and I was able to pick up on his thoughts as well. This totally freaked me out at first, but I’ve quickly learned to use it to my advantage. The messy part comes in with my girlfriend. We were sitting around the house watching TV, when I figured I would try scanning her and see what she was thinking about. To my surprise, I found out she was thinking about this guy in her O-Chem class. It turns out that they’ve been having an affair for quite some time now behind my back.

Exhibiting great self control, I maintained my composure and haven’t yet let on that I know. My question to you, oh Great Guru of the Plains, is what I should do. Should I tell her that I know what’s going on and risk having her find out about my secret? Or should I just continue to play dumb and formulate some complicated plot for revenge? Please help me.

Sincerely,
Zapped Just Like Scott Baio

I know how you feel. I mean, it seems every time I get hit in the head by crackling, searing bolts of electricity I wind up with some new supernatural power. First it was an unbridled, uncontrollable irresistability to women. Next it was the ability to transport myself anywhere in the universe without so much as the blink of an eye. Finally, I too was struck with the ability to read the thoughts of others. However, it seems that you have the uncanny ability to turn off this power. Day in and day out I am bombarded by the voices of others, floating uninvited into my head. Sometimes I feel guilty that I can hear the deepest, darkest secrets of anyone I come in contact with. Sometimes it just drives me crazy. The voices won’t stop. From every direction. Right now, for instance, the girl at the computer next to me is thinking the most revolting thoughts about what she wants to do to me… leading, I assume, from the first gift of the lightning. Wow… I’m going to have to introduce myself to her.

Well, enough of my problems, let’s get back to you. First, it is very important that people like us not let it get out that we have these special powers – otherwise the bad men will come. (Hmm… I hope I’m right in assuming that nobody actually reads this column.) So by no means should you tell your girlfriend how you found out she’s having an affair. I think it is best that we go with your second option, the complicated plot for revenge. Here’s my suggestion. The next time she goes out to Pomme de Terre Island “to be alone” (yeah, right, we both know she’s there with him), sneak out there and steal their boat. When they try to swim back to shore and fail, you’ll be able to go out there yourself with the excuse of rescuing them, and conveniently catch them in the act. Then you’ll be able to safely fall into the arms of your secret crush, probably some kind of a model with piercingly blue contact lenses or something… Everybody wins. Oh, and just ignore those psychic messages that you receive from the model telling you that she’s up to some evil plot that nobody except that guy on the other end of the cellular phone really understands.