Like or Like-Like

Dear Reid,

I have a problem. There’s this guy, you see, and I think he likes me. But, I can’t tell if he just likes me, or if he likes me-likes me. I’ve known him for a while now, and in all this time I haven’t been able to figure out if when we talk he is flirting with me or just talking to me. It’s weird, you know, because he always seems really happy to see me, whether he’s having a crappy day or not, and he’ll compliment me or say something else that’s just really nice like you would expect a guy to who wants to ask you out, but he just never does.

Actually, we have hung out together a few times, and sometimes it felt almost like we were on a date, but I just wasn’t sure whether we were or not, so it’s kind of tough to know how to act. How can I get him to know that, if he does like me, it’s okay to ask me out? I want to send the signals, and I’ve been trying to subtly let him know, but I’m nervous that if I let him know that I like him and he doesn’t like me that it might make the weird little relationship we have get weirder.

Sincerely,
Someone Who’s Confused

I know how you feel. In fact, if there’s one thing I know, it’s what it feels like to be confused about someone in whom you are interested. Now, part of your problem is very simple for me to help you clear up. This guy likes you. I mean, he likes you-likes you. There’s no doubt about that. He wouldn’t act like that around you unless you were a really good friend or Someone he Wants to ask out. It’s a guy thing. So, he likes you, very much so, a lot; don’t fret on that anymore.

The second half of the problem involves a deeply held secret, which I – after much internal debate – have decided to let you in on. Now, guys, don’t come trying to kick my ass for letting this out, because once it’s out in the open, and once everybody knows about it, we’re all going to be a lot better off. This is the secret of life, the universe, and everything: Guys are stupid. I mean, we’re really a bunch of dumb-as-a-rock, boneheaded, imperceptive, thick-skulled, half-witted, moronic, lead-paint-eating, glue-sniffing idiots.

You may think that by twirling your hair or standing with your feet pointed inwards or by flashing him a smile across the room that you are sending him signals, but know this: He isn’t getting it. Judging by how you’ve known this guy for quite some time, and by how he acts around you, and by how you act around him, I’m afraid he’s even more of a dimwit than most – at least as stupid as me.

It may be that the only way you’re going to get through to him is to walk up to him and ask him out yourself. That’s right. At the very least, you’re going to have to go up to him, and say to his face, “Hey, I Like You.” So, now you know the secret, and you never would have gotten that from multiplying six by nine.

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