Archive for November, 1997

Hatless in Seattle

November 20, 1997

Dear Reid,

I have an annoyance with my roommates. Last week, during a frolic of some sort, it seems my wool hat fell out of my coat pocket. I didn’t notice it missing at the time, so the hat was left lying in the yard. The next morning, in a hurry to get to class, one of my usually considerate roommates saw the hat and left it lying in the dirt, reportedly figuring that I would see it. My other roommate, who is a likewise generally thoughtful individual, also saw the the article in question, only a week or so later, and again neglected to pick it up. Now, she was leaving town at the time and was making numerous trips back and forth to the house. Apparently for both of these otherwise lovely women, stooping over to pick up the hat would have taken too much time–it’s not like it would have had to have been brought back in the house, just throwing it in the car would have helped.

It snowed the day of the first sighting; I didn’t see the hat. My roommie, upon returning home, also didn’t see the hat (it was now covered with snow) and figured I had picked it up. Nor did my roommate mention anything to me about my poor hat lying cold and helpless in the dirt, so that I might go and rescue it. Nor did my out-of-town-bound roommate leave any sort of note concerning the whereabouts of my woolen warmer. The first I heard of it was Monday evening, when I met my roommies on campus, and was confronted by both of them with accusations of leaving my dirty hat in the middle of the kitchen. It seems that the significant other of one of my roommates found the hat and brought it into the house. Finally someone took a little initiative!

So now there appears to be some animosity between my roommates and I. They think it’s entirely my fault that my hat was in the dirt and snow for a week and a half. I agree that it was my doing that put the hat there in the first place, but come on! Who sees something belonging to their roommate lying in the yard and just leaves it there? And then to yell at me for leaving my dirty hat lying around, when it wouldn’t have been so bad had either roommate picked it up, or even told me about it, when it was first seen, is incredible to me. Please, help us settle this argument.

Sincerely,
Hatless in Seattle

I know how you feel. It is important to have a sense of trust and respect for one’s roommates. When your roommates show such a lack of respect as ignoring a piece of your personal property lying in the dirt, it’s bound to generate some negative emotions.

Now, I want you to realize that I’m not taking sides on this issue, because there are valid points on both sides of the story. You clearly present a strong argument that a caring and trustworthy roommate should seek to protect another roommate’s property when they can do so with minimal effort. But then again, the United States is a characteristically individualist society, and the very force of self-interest which drives our market economy by an invisible hand dictates that your roommate should not pick up the hat unless there is something in it for him or her.

In a discussion such as this, it is perhaps appropriate to take a look at the writings of the (probably inappropriately) named “Father of Communism,” Babeuf. Babeuf envisioned a society with no private ownership of any kind. All producer and consumer goods (that’s everything from natural resources to wool hats) would be owned communally by everyone within the society. Rather than being driven by individualistic material incentives to act, people would act out of a moral obligation to society. When they found a hat lying on the ground, they would pick it up, not because it belonged to them (though it would, in effect, belong to every member of the society), but beacuse it was the right thing to do.

Unfortunately, people just don’t seem to be driven by these kinds of incentives. It doesn’t seem to matter what kind of society people live in, they are always concerned with what’s in it for them. Unconsciously, your roommate performed a basic cost/benefit analysis when making the decision to leave the hat. The roommate obviously decided that the cost of time lost by bending over to pick up the hat outweighed the benefits of your appreciation or the costs of your anger. So, logically, you can see that you should have no reason or right to expect that your roommate would pick up your hat from the dirt, unless you had at some point offered a reward for its return.

Another possible explanation for leaving the hat unattended on the ground is that your roommate simply doesn’t like you, or maybe doesn’t like the hat. Imagine these thoughts running through the head of your roommate: “Oh, you finally decided to ditch that ugly hat. Good. I wonder why you didn’t just throw it in the trash instead of tossing it in the yard. Oh well, at least it will be out of our sight until spring.”

Swinger Syndrome

November 13, 1997

Dear Reid,

I am writing in concern for the mental health of a close friend. Recently he has taken to imitating fictional characters in a current popular film. In an attempt to get “the beautiful babies” he now wears a hefty silver chain on his belt loop. He says he looks like “money,” but I think it is just a reflection of his insecurity. Is this just a fashion phase or is it a serious cry for help? I desperately need advice on how to deal with my disillusioned pal.

Signed,
Sick of “Swinger Syndrome”

I know how you feel. People these days are so impressionable. First they started wearing those leather jackets and slicking back their hair. Then in came the bell-bottomed trousers and flowery shirts. Next they put their baseball caps on backwards. Backwards, for Pete’s sake! It doesn’t even help keep the sun out of your eyes that way. And now with the baggy pants and the chains dangling from their pockets. Always trying to look “hip” or “groovy” or “keen,” these young people are just out of control.

And what’s with this whole “alternative” phase, anyway. Doesn’t “alternative” mean new, different, straying from the norm? But in being “alternative,” these kids are just conforming, albeit they are conforming to a different style than their parents conformed to.

But back to the chain. Those things remind me of the suspender fad when I was in seventh grade. Everybody had suspenders attached to their jeans, but rather than looping them over their shoulders to help hold up the pants, they let the suspenders dangle from the waist. If you didn’t have suspenders dangling behind you, you just weren’t cool. Unfortunately, looking cool and being cool are two different things altogether.

Some of those youngsters were not quite as smooth—not quite as “money”—as the others. Those were the kids who after class, got up and tried to strut out of the room dragging their desk chair behind them, tethered by a tangled suspender. Once they managed to pull free, and got out into the hall, the bigger kids would reach behind them and pull on the suspenders. When they let go, the innocent victim would be snapped in the behind. Females can liken this experience to the early-puberty bra-snapping stage.

I know if I tried to hook one of those chains between my beltloop and my wallet, I’d end up dragging one of those broken orange HFA chairs halfway across campus before I just gave up and let it have my money. But that’s just me. I’m sure your friend is one of those slick kids, in with the honeys and bad to the core. Why, I’ll bet he could even pull off that backwards baseball cap look at the same time.

But really, who would you rather hang with? Some hipster doofus who’s fly with the latest trends, or someone more honest and real? Which person do you think is more secure who he is, more in touch with his true self? Your friend needs to take a good look at himself. He needs to find out what’s under that tough-guy exterior. He might just be surprised at what he sees.

He’ll probably realize that his life is a sham. He has no purpose, no motivation, no direction, no heart. All his life he’s been caught up in the now, doing what is currently perceived as cool, mindlessly following the flock. Your friend is a sheep, being led along to his demise by the very chain which he thinks will get him where he wants to go.

Help your friend. Take away his chain. Help him find his individuality. Alternative is no longer an alternative. Friends don’t let friends conform.

Hooked on a Hunk

November 4, 1997

Dear Reid,

I think I’m in love. The guy I’m seeing is cute, charming, athletic, cute… I can’t stop thinking about him. I sit at home, waiting with anticipation for his calls. The calls are rare – usually if I want to talk to him I have to do the calling – but oh, when he calls me back! Actually, he only calls me back once every five times or so that I call him, but those calls are so wonderful. And I love it when he brings me flowers – er, the time he brought me flowers, um, last Valentine’s Day. And he’s so sweet, deep down, I mean.

On the surface he may come off as a real jerk sometimes. Well, most of the time. Okay, he’s always acted like a dick when we were around other people, and most of the time when we’re not, but he was really sweet that time last spring when we were alone watching SportsCenter and he brought me a soda from the kitchen when he went to get himself a beer. Deep down I know he’s a really wonderful person, I’m just trying to get to the real him. Did I mention he’s cute? Why can’t I just meet a nice guy for once?

Hopefully,
Hooked on a Hunk

I know how you feel. I mean, the guy’s good looking, so he must be a really wonderful person on the inside, too. Remember what I said a few weeks ago about men being eternally stupid? Well, it seems we’re not the only ones. Here’s a little clue for you: If it acts like a jerk, sounds like a jerk, and smells like a jock, then it’s probably a jerk.

Guys are morons, incapable of hiding their true personalities and feelings for any significant amount of time. Apparently, to my dismay, the fairer sex, for which I have until now held such high regard, is capable of an equal denseness of the cranium. If you’ve been seeing this guy since Valentine’s Day, and still haven’t gotten to know the “real him,” I’ve got news for you. You know the real him. This guy’s a creep, and despite the pretty packaging isn’t worth a handful of candy corn a week after Halloween.

Why, time after time, do women go after the slimy, vulgar, cretinous, incurable scumbags who have nothing more to offer than baby blue eyes and a winning smile? Aren’t men supposed to be the ones led droolingly by their physical attractions? Women are supposed to be smarter than that.

You say that you want a guy who will cherish you. A guy that will bring you flowers for no reason, and call just to say hello. A guy who listens when you talk and who laughs when you make a joke. A guy who compliments what you wear and what you do. Yet you continue to fall for the dimples and the perfect sideburns of a complete and total jackass.

The truth is, nice guys aren’t hard to find. They’re all around, in fact. They’re the ones who don’t force themselves on you at parties, who don’t try to take you back to their place from the bar. They’re the ones to whom, when they ask you out, you say, “I like you… but as a friend.”