I have an unusual problem, maybe you can help. I had sex with my boyfriend’s roommate, but I swear it was an accident. My boyfriend, I’ll call him “Aaron,” doesn’t believe me. We really love each other, so this is really tough.
Here’s the story. “Aaron” left early for spring break, and I went over to the apartment to see Chris, his roommate, so I could get something I had left there. I got there and we started to drink, I was just chillin’ out on the couch when “Chris” staggered over and fell on top of me. Next thing I know, he suddenly had a seizure of some sort, and about an hour later I realized that we had accidentally had intercourse!
A few weeks later, the same thing happened. I didn’t know what happened, but “Chris” was kind enough to explain that the seizures were uncontrollable and were often brought on by alcohol, loud music, flashing lights, and other typical frat party elements. When I confessed this to “Aaron” he seemed more concerned about the status of our relationship than about “Chris’” health. My problem is this: I find these seizure incidents very alluring and they add a deep sense of mystery to my friendship with “Chris.”
I find myself hooking up strobe lights and sub woofers in an attempt to induce these fits. I have also hooked up several video cameras about my apartment. Would it be appropriate for me to show this footage to a medical authority, or what?
Hooked on Seizures
I know how you feel. Your boyfriend is being an absolute prick about this. Frankly, I am appalled at his lack of concern for his good friend’s health. This problem “Chris” has is obviously a very serious illness. I have known many a man between the ages of 17 and 25 to suffer from such a disorder.
While mainstream medicine has yet to diagnose its roots, my personal thought is that is a rare form of epilepsy, combined with the genetic defect that results in Tourette’s syndrome, the symptoms of which are only brought on by a combination of alcohol, flashy lights, and that spawn of the devil, rock and roll music.
Now, I am not a licensed doctor. My only medical training comes from the year I spent in the bush studying under the Medicine Man of the Kwuakiutl, which probably makes me a more qualified physician than any in the town of Morris.
“The Kwuakiutl?” you ask. “Who are the Kwuakiutl?” Well, my friends, that’s for me and Margaret Mead to know, and you to find out. Let’s just say that while they may seem primitive to the untrained eye, they actually have a very complex socialized health care system, which may be second only to that in Germany.
The Germans have quite an interesting system, you know. Health care is universal, and rather than using insurance companies there are these government controlled funds which all employers tap into to pay for the health care of all employees.
Everyone in Germany has equal access to health care, from factory workers to rock and roll stars, spawn of the devil that they are. You might not know this, but David Hasselhof is a very big rock and roll star in Germany.
Remember the show “Baywatch Nights,” which lasted about three months last year? Hasselhof should have left the “Knight Rider” character back in the eighties, when talking cars were cool.
Those cars that would tell you if the door was ajar were so annoying. What ever happened to real innovation? They’ve been talking about flying cars since the thirties, when the eighties were the stuff of science fiction and they had to use manual typesetters to print a newspaper.
Speaking of newspapers, you should really lose that boyfriend. Anyone who can show such a lack of concern for a friend is not worth your time. Concerned about the status of your relationship… Bah.