Phone sex virgin

Dear Reid,

So, I was on a first date a few weeks ago. We had sky-diving lessons, vegetarian sushi, and a paddle boat tour of his private lake—who wouldn’t have a good time? He was the perfect combination of charming and goofy and I was completely head-over-heels. But it took an odd turn and I’m not sure what to do now.

At the end of the date, he asked if I’d like him to call me after he’d taken me home. Thinking he just could not survive without hearing my voice every fifteen minutes, I smiled flirtatiously and said, “Of course!” But I quickly found out that I had completely misunderstood. He called, asked me what I was wearing and—Well, I’ll just say what I finally said to him: I’ve NEVER had a phone call like THAT (and certainly not immediately after a first date).

I felt very uncomfortable, because it took me by surprise and because I am a phone sex virgin. But we’d just had an amazing date, and I was very flattered, so I didn’t want to embarrass him. (By the way, he certainly knew what he was doing. I alternated between being embarrassed and being interested.) But unfortunately, I couldn’t bring myself to respond in kind, and can only imagine what he thinks now. We’ve only been on one date since then, and it was Awkward City. I like this guy tons, Reid. What should I do?

Embarrassed in Embarrass

I know how you feel. It just doesn’t get any more awkward than those unexpected immediately-after-the-first-date phone calls. I mean, if Swingers taught us anything, it’s that you’re supposed to wait three days to call a girl. Anything before that, and you seem over-eager. Anything longer, and you risk losing her interest. But three days, baby, that’s money.

If I were you, I’d just try to pretend that phone call never happened. I mean, this guy was clearly out of his mind to call so soon. It may have had something to do with your intoxicating perfume, or with a dizzy head rush from all the sky-diving. You should chalk it up to first date jitters and leave it at that. In the future, though, if he calls outside of the three-day window, it’s probably best if you just let your answering machine pick up.

Mr. Fantastic

Dear Reid,

My boyfriend just got out of the army and now we are together. Back in January, when he was on leave, we’d tried to had sex — but he couldn’t, uh, perform. Now we are living together and it’s the same thing again. It’s been going on like this for over a month.

We can kiss for hours and he is seemingly unaffected. On the rare occasions when he does somehow become ready, he wants me just to jump on him immediately. Unfortunately, it never lasts. No matter what we try, we can never finish the act.

I’m beginning to suspect he’s in love with someone else. It’s even crossed my mind that he might be gay, and only stays with me as a “front” for his family. I’ve confronted him about it, but he denies those possibilities. What should I do?

Sincerely,

The Invisible Woman

I know how you feel. I’m afraid what happened to your boyfriend—well, maybe from now on you should just consider him a roommate—can only be explained by one possibility. Clearly he was the subject of a top-secret military experiment in space. I saw an investigative report about this very thing on the news. Basically, the story goes like this:

A rich plastic surgeon from Miami had this practice with his best friend from college. But the college friend was now married to the girl that the other guy used to like back in school. So she takes a red pill and gets on board this spaceship with Morpheus and a paleontologist who specializes in dinosaurs of the Jurassic period. The ship’s computer goes crazy and even the shield can’t save everyone from a solar flare they are steered into.

Long story short, everyone aboard were turned into mutants with fantastic new powers. One guy got super strength. One guy can fly and light himself on fire. And one guy, now, can do anything a spider can. Turns out your new roommate got the short end of the stick: the amazing elastic powers of Stretch Armstrong.

As of this writing, no cure has been discovered for space mutations. Luckily, there are many aids and substitutes for you to use while researchers diligently work on the problem. On the bright side, he’ll never have trouble reaching a new roll of toilet paper when the one in a public restroom stall runs out.

Please spam James Biehl

Dear Reid,

Suck on my left nut! Not even worthy of the right!

James Biehl

119 Lauren Circle

Scotts Valley, CA 95066

(831) 438-7723

theman@assassinnet.com

james@svpaintball.com

I know how you feel. At last, the identity of The Man has been revealed! I’m not much of a nut-sucker, James, but I do share the sentiment. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the increased level of spam and junk mail you’re likely to get in the near future.