The five-second rule

Dear Reid,

I need your help to settle an argument between my boyfriend and I. You see, he claims that food is still edibile within ten seconds of being dropped on the ground. Bacteria and germs, he says, can’t move that quickly, so it’s perfectly safe to eat, say, a potato chip if you are able to rescue it within ten seconds of ground contact. I, however, think that is disgusting.

Everyone knows that the rule is five seconds! That’s why they call it the five-second rule! Imagine all the bacteria and germs and other creepy crawly things that can climb onto a potato chip in ten seconds—you can’t! It’s unimaginable! Five seconds is a totally different story. Am I right?

Prissy about Pringles

I know how you feel. Unfortunately, though, there is no hard-and-fast rule about how long it takes for a potato chip to gather creepy crawly things when dropped on the ground. In fact, it’s more about the condition of the ground on which is dropped. Observe:

Enough said?

Using someone to lose your virginity

Dear Reid,

So I got a boyfriend, but I don’t love him. I think I just want to use him to lose my virginity. I know it’s bad—I know that I should break up with her—but I want some experience in sex before I go into a real relationship. I think he doesn’t love me either.

My real problem is that I think I’m in love with my gym teacher. I’m 18 and he’s 8 years older than me. I think he likes me, too, in some way. I’m feeling weird when I’m around him, and today we talked on MSN and we got along pretty well. So I don’t really know what I want, or what should I do. Please give me some advice!

Susie

I know how you feel. It’s hard being a virgin, and I should know. No, not because I am one (really, I have had sex, I swear!) but because I’ve seen The 40-Year-Old Virgin like 5 times. Regardless, it’s not really that uncommon to use someone for sex; especially if they’re getting paid for it. The going rate, I believe, is something like $200 an hour—not that I’d know from first-hand experience. (No pun intended.)

But, Susie, it appears as if you’re confused about a lot more than just your gym teacher here. It appears that your real confusion is with gender identity. You say you “got a boyfriend” but you know that you should “break up with her.” And, in 10 years of giving utterly useless advice™, I can’t remember a single time when a girl was worried about using someone for sex.

Come clean, Susie, are you really a male? I think you need to sort out your gender and sexuality issues a little bit before you go hopping into bed with the first person who’s willing. And definitely before you go after someone much older than you. Finally, are you sure this gym teacher is even gay? (You know how I know you’re gay? Because you like Coldplay.)

KFC is burning

Dear Reid,

I can’t understand what’s going on in the world today. The Vice President has gone on a murderous rampage, people are rioting in the streets because of some silly Danish drawings, and pudgy old Saddam Hussein is apparently on a hunger strike. I feel like I should be doing something to help stop all the nonsense, but I just don’t know what to do. Should I hold a peace protest, or run for office? Maybe set up an online petition? Please help, Dear Reid!

Colonel Sanders

I know how you feel. I’m not one to go on and on about politics very often, but this whole comic uprising is just annoying the piss out of me. People are literally rioting and killing each other because they’re offended by some editorial cartoons first published in Denmark.

Look at those things. They’re not even funny, let alone offensive. I could draw a way more offensive cartoon in like 10 seconds. Ooh, we’re depicting the Prophet Muhammed with a bomb fuse sticking out of his turban! Daring! Speaks a lot to how some segments of society are just waiting for an excuse to get riled up.

And now they’re out in the streets chanting “Death to America” and burning down KFC and Pizza Hut. What did the Colonel do to provoke them? The cartoons were Danish for Christ’s sake—if anything, they should be burning Legos in effigy. These people are clearly just looking for an enemy.

What happened to the days when riots were over important things, like hockey games and soccer matches? Oh, right, you don’t get 72 virgins when you die for your soccer team.

The best thing for us to do, I guess, is eat more fast food. McDonald’s anyone?

Incomprehensible gibberish

Dear Reid,

My Girl friend and i have been into a great relationship for almost one year now. She is married but seperated. she has a friend of a long time and I”am starting to come to a conclusion that maybe she mike be gay. When she talking to her friend over the phone the conversation is always at low point meaning that most of the talking comes from the friend.

my girlfriend always talks very low to her. They hang out often but she is always home by 2:00 am both of them have kids and her friend is also married .I have never noticed the two of them to act gay when I am in their presents To make a long story short, am I wrong for thinking this way I have tried to dismiss this thought many times accept that they are close friends but I’m no sure just what to think. I have asked her if she ever had ever been into bed with any woman and her answer was no. please help make my thoughts clear.

Busy Bill

I know how you feel. The amazing thing to me, Bill, is that you believe your thoughts to be unclear at present. I mean, it should be obvious to anyone reading the incomprehensible gibberish you’ve spewed out here that there’s not a thought in your head. Congratulations, your thoughts are completely clear—and by that I mean empty. Normally I edit these letters a little before posting them, but you’ve made so many grammatical, punctuation, capitalization, and spelling errors in this thing that I don’t even know where to start.

What I can tell you, though, is my theory about why your girlfriend talks quietly on the phone to her friend. She’s obviously talking about what a complete boob you are, and is nice enough to lower her voice so you won’t hear it. Women talk to each other, Bill, and their favorite subject is always the men in their lives. But it wouldn’t be “girl talk” if you were privy to the conversation, would it? Get over your worries, and be happy that you were able to snare any woman at all. Look at me: I can’t get a date but at least I know how to write in complete sentences.

By the way, who’s Mike?

The Dear Reid Store

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Friend of an S.O.

Dear Reid,

Why oh why do you update this column so infrequently? I have come to rely on your sexually enticing commentary for answers to the majority of my social dilemmas as well as for personal inspirational material! I heed the need to read more Reid indeed.

How else will I know how to react when the guy who sits behind me in class plays with my hair or when my boyfriend comes out of the closet or when I accidentally walk in on my roommate making friends with Rosy Palm? Also I am concerned about what type of bikini wax I should get next and I heard you are the expert.

But most importantly, I have an inappropriate crush on my significant other’s friend. Is it okay to fantasize about said friend as long as I don’t act on said crush?

Betsy Clogflog

I know how you feel. First, Betsy, it’s important for you to realize that giving advice is not my real job, as much as I’d like it to be. My loyal readers, unfortunately, do not provide sufficient support in the form of t-shirt buying and Amazon linking and, of course, sponsor supporting. That, and my supply of original material (a.k.a. letters of an interesting and unique nature), seems to have slowed to a trickle ever since Dawn Micelli started pimping out her own brand of useless advice on The Dawn and Drew Show. How are my 10 years of experience as a terrifically unqualified™ advice columnist supposed to compete with a catchy jingle?

Anyway, enough of my troubles. Let’s talk about your crush.