How to conquer the world

Dear Reid,

I’m bent on world domination. I was wondering if you could give me a tip or two on where to start. Also, I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. Any advice on how to tell if my suspicions are correct?

Thanks in advance,
Anonymous Destroyer of Worlds

I know how you feel. You’ll be surprised to hear this, but there’s actually a common solution to both of your problems. And a simple one at that: kryptonite.

You see, you seem to have some of the same personal issues in common with Superman‘s arch nemesis, Lex Luthor. For those who aren’t familiar, Superman is an evil super-powered alien from another planet. (I think they made a movie about him once.) Superman is always getting in the way of brilliant businessman Lex Luthor, mucking up his honest attempts to achieve the American Dream. (You know, the inalienable rights granted to all men by the Declaration of Independence? Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, yada, yada, yada.)

Every plan Luthor comes up with to make a buck—mostly real estate deals—Superman is there to stand in his way. And, Superman is always trying to steal Lex’s girlfriends. Miss Teschmacher was all over him in that swimming pool scene; in Smallville, Clark can’t stand the fact that Lex is giving the time to Lana Lang; and I’m pretty sure Superman stole Lois Lane from Lex during a story arc from Lois & Clark.

Anyway, you were pretty non-specific in your question, but your problems sounded so similar to those of Lex Luthor that I can only logically conclude that Superman must be standing in your way as well. And I tell you this in confidence, but it’s a little-known fact that Superman’s only weakness is a fragment of radioactive material from his home planet of Krypton. Luckily, the material is freely available on Earth, disguised in the form of U-shaped bicycle locks. Apparently, Superman spent much of his youth stealing bicycles from other children and joyriding past speeding locomotives, and doing doublepeg grinds on top of tall buildings (in a single bound).

So, get yourself a Kryptonite lock, wear it around your neck, and go conquer that world, baby!

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