KFC is burning

Dear Reid,

I can’t understand what’s going on in the world today. The Vice President has gone on a murderous rampage, people are rioting in the streets because of some silly Danish drawings, and pudgy old Saddam Hussein is apparently on a hunger strike. I feel like I should be doing something to help stop all the nonsense, but I just don’t know what to do. Should I hold a peace protest, or run for office? Maybe set up an online petition? Please help, Dear Reid!

Colonel Sanders

I know how you feel. I’m not one to go on and on about politics very often, but this whole comic uprising is just annoying the piss out of me. People are literally rioting and killing each other because they’re offended by some editorial cartoons first published in Denmark.

Look at those things. They’re not even funny, let alone offensive. I could draw a way more offensive cartoon in like 10 seconds. Ooh, we’re depicting the Prophet Muhammed with a bomb fuse sticking out of his turban! Daring! Speaks a lot to how some segments of society are just waiting for an excuse to get riled up.

And now they’re out in the streets chanting “Death to America” and burning down KFC and Pizza Hut. What did the Colonel do to provoke them? The cartoons were Danish for Christ’s sake—if anything, they should be burning Legos in effigy. These people are clearly just looking for an enemy.

What happened to the days when riots were over important things, like hockey games and soccer matches? Oh, right, you don’t get 72 virgins when you die for your soccer team.

The best thing for us to do, I guess, is eat more fast food. McDonald’s anyone?

Incomprehensible gibberish

Dear Reid,

My Girl friend and i have been into a great relationship for almost one year now. She is married but seperated. she has a friend of a long time and I”am starting to come to a conclusion that maybe she mike be gay. When she talking to her friend over the phone the conversation is always at low point meaning that most of the talking comes from the friend.

my girlfriend always talks very low to her. They hang out often but she is always home by 2:00 am both of them have kids and her friend is also married .I have never noticed the two of them to act gay when I am in their presents To make a long story short, am I wrong for thinking this way I have tried to dismiss this thought many times accept that they are close friends but I’m no sure just what to think. I have asked her if she ever had ever been into bed with any woman and her answer was no. please help make my thoughts clear.

Busy Bill

I know how you feel. The amazing thing to me, Bill, is that you believe your thoughts to be unclear at present. I mean, it should be obvious to anyone reading the incomprehensible gibberish you’ve spewed out here that there’s not a thought in your head. Congratulations, your thoughts are completely clear—and by that I mean empty. Normally I edit these letters a little before posting them, but you’ve made so many grammatical, punctuation, capitalization, and spelling errors in this thing that I don’t even know where to start.

What I can tell you, though, is my theory about why your girlfriend talks quietly on the phone to her friend. She’s obviously talking about what a complete boob you are, and is nice enough to lower her voice so you won’t hear it. Women talk to each other, Bill, and their favorite subject is always the men in their lives. But it wouldn’t be “girl talk” if you were privy to the conversation, would it? Get over your worries, and be happy that you were able to snare any woman at all. Look at me: I can’t get a date but at least I know how to write in complete sentences.

By the way, who’s Mike?

The Dear Reid Store

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Friend of an S.O.

Dear Reid,

Why oh why do you update this column so infrequently? I have come to rely on your sexually enticing commentary for answers to the majority of my social dilemmas as well as for personal inspirational material! I heed the need to read more Reid indeed.

How else will I know how to react when the guy who sits behind me in class plays with my hair or when my boyfriend comes out of the closet or when I accidentally walk in on my roommate making friends with Rosy Palm? Also I am concerned about what type of bikini wax I should get next and I heard you are the expert.

But most importantly, I have an inappropriate crush on my significant other’s friend. Is it okay to fantasize about said friend as long as I don’t act on said crush?

Betsy Clogflog

I know how you feel. First, Betsy, it’s important for you to realize that giving advice is not my real job, as much as I’d like it to be. My loyal readers, unfortunately, do not provide sufficient support in the form of t-shirt buying and Amazon linking and, of course, sponsor supporting. That, and my supply of original material (a.k.a. letters of an interesting and unique nature), seems to have slowed to a trickle ever since Dawn Micelli started pimping out her own brand of useless advice on The Dawn and Drew Show. How are my 10 years of experience as a terrifically unqualified™ advice columnist supposed to compete with a catchy jingle?

Anyway, enough of my troubles. Let’s talk about your crush.

Does my friend like me or not?

Dear Reid,

I have this friend that I think likes me. He sits in front of me in one class. He always turns around to look in my direction and then he quickly turns back. Then in some other classes I’m in with him, he’s always looking in my direction and then when I turn my head to look at at him he’ll stare for a couple of seconds and then turn his head in the opposite direction.

Then, whenever he and I are on AOL Instant Messenger, he barely talks to me and if he does, he asks if I like a band, movie, person etc. And then he keeps going with that conversation for a while and then once I put on an away message, he puts one up in like a minute and it says something like listening to music and then once I come back, he comes back too.

Then today, he was saying that he didn’t get the math we had to do for homework and I didn’t know how to do it either so I told him that I didn’t know it either. Then he turned to get his books and left without saying “bye” or anything like that.

He and I barely talk at all in class except for him asking me what the answer to a question was or just telling me something pointless. Then, there was this time in Study Hall where he asked me where I lived ’cause me and my friends were joking around saying “no one knows where I live!” so then he was like, “Where do you live?” So I told him that I would tell him so he asked me like 5 minutes later and my friend had to tell me something so I told him to wait and then when I turned back to him, he was talking to someone else. Him and his friends are also whispering a lot in class about something that I don’t know.

Also, he is highly annoying to me now. He was never like that and he is somewhat annoying to everyone else but he’s like really really annoying around me. Can you please help me and tell me if my friend likes me or not? And I’m sorry that was so long.

Lacrosses My Life

I know how you feel. Of course he likes you; he’s a horny teenage boy. Invite him to play LaCrosse with you or something, and make sure you’re on the Skins team. Once he sees you with your shirt off, he’ll be all over you.

Not straight

Dear Reid,

I am seventeen and I am what some consider gay but, what I really think I am is “not straight”. I have had relations with men, but also women. But I do not think I am bisexual because I tend to find men more attractive and fun than women. My friends are very accepting of me, but many of my girl friends wish I were straight. I am happy the way I am as of right now, but I just don’t know what to do. What advice could you give me?

Disgruntled Teen

I know how you feel. The problem is, you don’t. If your friends accept you, why can’t you just accept yourself? You say you’re happy the way you are, but then sign yourself “disgruntled”. The way I see it, you should just do whatever (and whoever) you want, and leave it at that.

Maybe you’re gay, maybe you’re straight. Maybe you find that one girl doesn’t turn you on, but what about two at the same time? Or would you be more open to a chick if there were also a dude in the room? Regular readers of this column know that the best solution to all questions of sexual ambiguity (and to many other problems, as well) is just to go ahead and have a threesome. Take one of those girls who wishes you were straight, and one of those guys who wishes you were gay, and get it over with.

Gaydar on the fritz

Dear Reid,

I’m gay, and there is this amazing guy that I extremely like but I’m not for sure if he is gay or not. I don’t really know if I should come out to him or wait. He uses the word honey and he stares at me sometimes for no particular reason and then he will smile at me. But I read another entry and it talked about if they were neat and if they had their hair cut nicely and everything else. But he doesn’t. He has the skater boy look, but I have shaggy hair also. I just don’t know what to think and I’m in a confused state.

Shaggy

I know how you feel. Shaggy, are you sure you’re really gay? All true homosexuals are supposed to have something called “Gaydar” that will help them identify others like them. If your Gaydar isn’t bleeping and screeching and signaling a red alert for another guy who calls you “honey”, then something might be wrong. You should have that checked out.

Mysterious rectal bleeding

Dear Reid,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years off and on. About 3 1/2 years ago he started bleeding from his rear after using the bathroom. He went to the doctor and they told him that his lining was torn, but I don’t know why. He eats out a lot and drinks lots of Coke, so maybe its just the fiber in his diet. I asked my mother if that would cause bleeding and she said it could if he were constipated. He says he is, but when I look at his stool it seems normal and he does not make those noises (like if you are constipated). He has been taking some fiber pills, which he says have been helping him, but he is still bleeding, and it’s made me suspicious.

He and I have never been active back there, but I would just like to know if maybe he is just not telling me something. I have asked him discreet questions regarding his problem, and he got really furious when I asked him if he had had intercourse with a guy. The other thing that concerns me is that he is only 28 and I 24; and he is not really sexually active with me. We have intercourse about three times a month and we live together. I don’t think thats normal, according to friends. I know sometimes it’s hard for a guy to come out and say he is gay, especially if he is a cop. He has friends in the police dept who are bisexual. I have heard so many stories.

If he is gay, it’s ok. I would just want to know the truth so he can go on with his life and I with mine. Please help me get out of my fear. Thank you.

Copping a Feel

I know how you feel. Rectal bleeding, along with a fondness for Elton John, is one of the top signs of possible homosexuality in a man. Reportedly, homosexual men frequently engage in sexual intercourse through the anus. Without proper lubrication, such repetitive chafing of the soft tissue within the rectum can cause discomfort and even bleeding. Some men, even those who are not homosexual, may still find it sexually pleasurable to directly stimulate the prostate, otherwise known as the “Male G-Spot”. It is quite common, even during male-female intercourse, for a man to wish to have his partner insert a finger or some other object into his anus for this reason.

I would encourage you to experiment with your boyfriend in this area. As a police officer, it is quite likely that the intense male bonding that occurs on the job has led to some form of homosexual tendencies, whether or not he has acted upon them physically. And if stimulation using an artificial object doesn’t do it for him, the next step should be to invite a third person into your bedroom. There’s nothing like a threesome to bring two people closer together.

Or, of course, he might just have hemorrhoids.

New in town

Dear Reid,

I just moved here, and I am having trouble getting used to the area. I really don’t know anyone, so I don’t even have anyone to ask what people do for fun around here. Anyways, I saw this myspace stuff and I thought maybe I could meet someone here that could show me a good time. I started looking through the profiles and decided that since I put up an ad, I might as well try responding to some people to see if they are interested. I’m not looking for anything serious.

Well your ad caught my attention so I thought I might see if you may be interested in a girl that’s new to town and looking for some action. Anyways, I would love to know if you might be interested and if you have any ideas for me. I RARELY get the chance to check this account, so if your down then get back to me at stillaround11@hotmail.com and I can send you some more pics. Maybe I’ll even give you a look at my webcam! Sorry for writing you out of nowhere, but I had to try something—I’m going crazy from loneliness around here. I really need some action!

Naughty but Nice

I know how you feel. It’s hard getting used to a new place when you first move there. When I bought a condo last year, it was the first time I’d ever had someone living above me, and it kept freaking me out to hear footsteps creaking from the floor above. See, previously I’d always lived in a standalone house, and even though for a while my bedroom was on the lower level, the building was sturdy enough so that the floorboards didn’t creak. Now I live in a much older building, and there doesn’t appear to be any insulation at all between floors. Anyway, I’ve gotten pretty used to it over the last few months. I can even sleep through the sirens from the nearby medical center and fire stations at this point.

Another thing about my condo: the bathroom shares a wall with the bathroom in the unit next door, and there’s a ventilation shaft that goes by the one upstairs. So, I can pretty much hear any noise anybody makes when they’re in the bathroom. It’s quite striking just how clearly voices travel through that wall, let alone other bathroom-related sounds. I make it a point to do most of my Number Twos at work. At least in a public restroom stall, you know when there’s someone there listening to you. Plus, it saves on having to buy toilet paper.

A bit of advice, if you don’t mind: In the future, you may want to consider leaving a few more clothes on in the photos you include when you e-mail a stranger. It makes an odd first impression to see you in such an, er, familiar position. Some people might find that intimidating—or worse, titillating. You wouldn’t want anybody to get the wrong idea!

Phone sex virgin

Dear Reid,

So, I was on a first date a few weeks ago. We had sky-diving lessons, vegetarian sushi, and a paddle boat tour of his private lake—who wouldn’t have a good time? He was the perfect combination of charming and goofy and I was completely head-over-heels. But it took an odd turn and I’m not sure what to do now.

At the end of the date, he asked if I’d like him to call me after he’d taken me home. Thinking he just could not survive without hearing my voice every fifteen minutes, I smiled flirtatiously and said, “Of course!” But I quickly found out that I had completely misunderstood. He called, asked me what I was wearing and—Well, I’ll just say what I finally said to him: I’ve NEVER had a phone call like THAT (and certainly not immediately after a first date).

I felt very uncomfortable, because it took me by surprise and because I am a phone sex virgin. But we’d just had an amazing date, and I was very flattered, so I didn’t want to embarrass him. (By the way, he certainly knew what he was doing. I alternated between being embarrassed and being interested.) But unfortunately, I couldn’t bring myself to respond in kind, and can only imagine what he thinks now. We’ve only been on one date since then, and it was Awkward City. I like this guy tons, Reid. What should I do?

Embarrassed in Embarrass

I know how you feel. It just doesn’t get any more awkward than those unexpected immediately-after-the-first-date phone calls. I mean, if Swingers taught us anything, it’s that you’re supposed to wait three days to call a girl. Anything before that, and you seem over-eager. Anything longer, and you risk losing her interest. But three days, baby, that’s money.

If I were you, I’d just try to pretend that phone call never happened. I mean, this guy was clearly out of his mind to call so soon. It may have had something to do with your intoxicating perfume, or with a dizzy head rush from all the sky-diving. You should chalk it up to first date jitters and leave it at that. In the future, though, if he calls outside of the three-day window, it’s probably best if you just let your answering machine pick up.