Despretly [sic] Meeting Freshmen

Dear Reid,

I am a Junior here at UMM and I was noticing that there were many pretty freshman ladies in this year’s class. I was wondering: What would be the best way to meet as many as I can?

Sincerely
Despretly [sic] Meeting Freshmen

I know how you feel, and I’ve got two words for you: dorms. Go there, man. The UMM residence halls are a vast and fruitful garden of tasty little morsels that we like to call The Class of 2000. Pick a floor, hell, pick two, and plant yourself among the seedlings in the TV lounge. If you want the ripest pickings, I strongly advise skipping your 12 o’clock class and making yourself a part of the “Days” crowd. All you have to do to sound like you’ve been watching the show for years is say these three words: “Sami’s a cow.” They’ll fall all over you. Trust me. Oh yeah, chicks love a guy who can straddle a TV.

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