Anita ATM

Dear Reid,

It has come to my attention that the school does not have an ATM machine. I think this is preposterous. In fact, I can name at least 3 good, solid, American reasons as to why we need one.

  1. I have found (and hopefully will find) boyfriends there. In fact, as a young female senior in high school, an ATM machine was a “must have” for me to even look at an application. I heard through the grapevine that UMM was supposedly getting one, but much to my displeasure, it just doesn’t seem like this happened now does it?
  2. I like cash. I need to have cash. I must have cash. I guess you could say, “I am addicted to cash.” I come from a middle class family, my father makes 6 figures a year, oops did I say year? I meant month. But my financial non-difficulties are besides the point. I want instant cash. I want it now dammit. NOW! NOW! NOW!
  3. ATM machines are like computers. At least, that’s what my daddy told me. I got so hoppin’ mad the other day at our Macintosh 9500 that I just about slapped it silly. I just can’t work those machine things. Escalators fine. Elevators great. Computers? Ahhh… hell. But since my father’s wise words, I have confidence. I can push the ATM buttons without even looking, make withdrawals standing backwards, and grab my receipt with my feet.

So Reid, basically, I need help. I like Morris, but the whole not-having-an-ATM-machine thing is starting to really get me down. How can I persuade my RA to let my father buy me one for my room? And if that falls through, what can I do to get cash without leaving this metropolis of a campus?

Crying tears of sadness,
Anita ATM

I know how you feel. First time away from home, having to walk to your classes rather than get a ride in Daddy’s Rolls. Living in the same building as, probably even the same room with, people so far below your social class that it just makes you sick! It just doesn’t seem fair. And your only escape from it all, shopping, hindered by the lack of The Greatest Slot Machine On Earth, the one where you’re always a winner, my favorite video game and yours, the Automatic Teller Machine. Because I feel your pain, I’ve decided to make it my mission to get the word out about the overwhelmingly desperate need for that generous, stumpy little friend of ours. Rise up, fellow members of the bourgeoisie! Protest this blatant discrimination and oppressive tactics by the administration of this institution! Give Me Currency, Or Give Me Death!


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