Iron Will

Dear Reid,

I need some help with a rather complicated problem that’s arisen. I’m paying my own way through school, and even though Morris isn’t that expensive, money is starting to get a little tight. So, in an effort to stay in school, I did the only thing I could think of that didn’t take up much time yet still paid well; I started donating sperm. This gives me the little monetary boost I need to get by for now.

The only problem is, I may not engage in certain “activities” with my girlfriend. This creates some conflict, especially when she gets drunk and starts trying to rip my clothes off. I always manage to dissuade her, usually by convincing her that I’m not in the mood or that I’m tired. Now it seems that she’s suspecting me of dating someone else, due to my lack of sex drive.

I really like this girl, and I don’t want to lose her because of my need to get a degree. It would be simple if I could just tell her, but she once said that she thought guys who donated sperm were immoral and sick. But I fear that if I don’t satiate her soon, I’ll end up a lonely man. Please, Reid, you’ve got to help me!

Desperately yours,
Iron Will

I know how you feel. I understand that you took up donating sperm for the money, but as I’m sure you realize, it also provides a great service to the community. If your girlfriend can’t accept that, well, I really think you need to look into finding one who can. However, if you’re really determined to stay with this girl, you’ve only got one option: you must create a complete and utter fantasy to satisfy her curiosity. The truth is definitely out. No hope there, best to stick to mankind’s greatest achievement, the lie. One suggestion would be to tell her that your a purist, and want to wait for marriage before you consummate your relationship with her. Tell her you want it to be special, and that it could never be more special than if you waited till your wedding night. Girls usually go in for that kind of crap; they really seem to think it’s sweet or something. She’ll be happy because she’ll think your in love with her, and want to eventually settle down with her, and you’ll be happy because you’re raking in the dough and can afford to pay for college. Everybody wins!

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