Just Must Know about Dana

Dear Reid,

I have a problem. It all started a year ago when I met this guy who lived in my hall. I don’t want to use his real name, so I’ll refer to him as “Dana.” Anyway, “Dana” and I became fast friends. We spent a lot of time together and always had fun. There was even a time when we snuggled close in order to keep warm after the big snow storm last year. Things were great until we had a big falling out Spring Quarter. Well, recently we spent a few days in a cabin in the woods. Since then things have been much better. I really believe we’re back on track to being friends again. The problem is, I’m beginning to see “Dana” as more than a friend. For instance, the other night he was playing with my earlobe, and I almost lost control. “Dana” doesn’t know how I feel, and I’m afraid of what will happen if I tell him. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Just Must Know

I know how you feel. The leap from being friends to being “more than friends” is a tough one to make. If you hadn’t noticed, I normally don’t respond to such serious letters as this, but your particular story hit me close to the heart. Because of this, I’m going to offer you the only advice that I can comfortably and confidently give that will be to the best interest of both parties. It’s going to be hard, but you absolutely must not tell “Dana” how you feel.

Instead, go with the almost-as-satisfying and never-as-harmful form of relationship: stalking. Learn his schedule. Strategically position yourself between the buildings that he has classes in so that you can bump into him accidentally-on-purpose during every break. Go to his dorm room when he’s not there and leave suggestive notes and obscene drawings on his dry-erase board, never signing your name of course. Send him flowers signed “I’m watching you” or something scary like that. Send him erotic e-mail, but be sure to do it from Netscape where you can use a fake return address.

Get a job where he works, making sure you’re always there the same hours. Slip notes into his coat pockets when he’s not looking. Visit him when he’s hanging around in his room, and when you leave, discretely slip something of his into your pocket; may I suggest a pair of boxer shorts? If he’s in, say, a jazz band, go to all of his concerts and cheer his name when he goes on stage… but sit way in the back, so he can’t see who you are.

Finally, get all of his friends to like you, and then make up something bad about him, so they’ll all hate him and desert him. Then, in one fantastic sweep, you can go to him, comfort him, and he’ll see that you truly are “more than a friend.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: