The Bomb Followers

Dear Reid,

Help us! We are having a major problem on our floor. You see, there’s this gorgeous hunk of a man on our floor who loves to eat all of our food. He comes around at least four or five times a day asking if he can eat this or if he can have that.

Now I know you are thinking, “Why is this a problem? Don’t girls love hot guys with well-defined calves hanging around them, begging for food and acting needy?” The problem is… YES! We love having him and his Greek god of a body hanging around! In fact, we buy things he likes to eat in order to lure him to our room in hopes that he will be hungry for something more than food! As we gaze a his luscious body, we find ourselves asking, “Are you hungry? Do you want some pretzels? Well, if you’ll just come with me…”

It’s getting to be an obsession, I’m telling you. My roommate and I have been forced to get not only a second, but a third job to support our habit. Is there any hope for us, Reid? How can we be not so obvious about our desire for him, as we lure his muscular chest and rock-hard stomach into our room with the temptation of food? And do you know of any munchies that are cheap, delicious, and last a long time so we can keep him coming back for more?

Blinded By Bulging Biceps,
Da Bomb Followers

I’m sorry, but I think you ladies are just sick! Men should not be treated like pieces of meat. We are people, too. Imagine, in this day and age, thinking of a person as nothing but a sexual object. For shame! The only solution to your problem is to quit cold turkey. I know it will be difficult, but you simply cannot mistreat this poor man any longer. You must cut him off. No more food, no matter how hungry he looks, no matter how hungry you feel (if you know what I mean). Stop luring him into your room with treats like an animal into a cage. I am appalled by your lack of respect for this “Greek god” of yours. Learn to appreciate him for his intellect, for his personality, for the person he is, not solely for his physical appearance. And if you can’t manage to rise up out of the middle ages and stop treating men like inanimate objects created only for your pleasure, then I pity you. Maybe someday you’ll be ready to accept Da Bomb back into your lives, this time as a person, some one to talk to, someone to share with equally, but you must never, ever give him your snack food again.


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