Last week when I checked The UR for my favorite advice column, I was shocked to find it had been left out! What could have happened? At first I was in denial as I frantically flipped through the pages, checking the numbers to see if someone had taken the Dear Reid page. Eventually, I realized that it just wasn’t in the paper.
My first concern was that Reid was dead, but then I saw you on campus the next day. Finally it hit me, you must have been so exhausted from servicing your harem that you were unable to write that week. This still didn’t alleviate my grief; I was still without my favorite column. Help! In the event that you are unable to write again, or your column is cut so some schmuck can write a whole page of blah about some kind of food I’ve never even heard of, what should we, your loyal followers, do? How should we cope with such a traumatic event.
A Concerned Reader
I know how you feel. You look to me for advice, for support, for guidance. I understand how traumatic it can be for a figure of such importance in your life as myself to suddenly and inexplicably disappear. The feeling can only be compared to say, the sudden departure of a parent or guardian, or possibly the death of the president.
But you must understand, Constant Reader, that in the eyes of the editor of this section, my column is but a lowly piece of trash filler, only to be used if he has nothing else worth publishing. Heir Variety Editor simply doesn’t understand the place I hold in the hearts of the students on this campus. He cannot be blamed for his ignorance, but it is possible he can be helped.
Perhaps your letter, in fact, will help to shine light on this dark spot in his soul. You, however, must accept the possibility that one day my column again will fail to grace the pages of this fine publication. Not everything lasts forever. And, though I try to be faithful to my public and persist in responding to every letter I receive, a time may (and probably will) come that you will not find Dear Reid among the last pages of The University Register. You must learn to deal with your losses, confront your fears; you can solve your problems without my advice. Hey, it’s all a bunch of bologna anyway.