Zapped Like Scott Baio

Dear Reid,

I’m writing to you because I have a rather unique problem that I can’t share with my friends. I think it would be best if I started at the beginning. A few weeks ago, I was working on a physics lab involving electricity, when suddenly the air started crackling and searing bolts of electricity nailed me in the head. I was knocked out, and when I came to, I was surprised to find that nothing was really wrong with me. I got up, dusted myself off, and went home. When I got there, I was greeted by one of my roommates.

All of a sudden, I was hearing his thoughts in my mind. It was totally weird, and I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on. Then my other roommate came in, and I was able to pick up on his thoughts as well. This totally freaked me out at first, but I’ve quickly learned to use it to my advantage. The messy part comes in with my girlfriend. We were sitting around the house watching TV, when I figured I would try scanning her and see what she was thinking about. To my surprise, I found out she was thinking about this guy in her O-Chem class. It turns out that they’ve been having an affair for quite some time now behind my back.

Exhibiting great self control, I maintained my composure and haven’t yet let on that I know. My question to you, oh Great Guru of the Plains, is what I should do. Should I tell her that I know what’s going on and risk having her find out about my secret? Or should I just continue to play dumb and formulate some complicated plot for revenge? Please help me.

Sincerely,
Zapped Just Like Scott Baio

I know how you feel. I mean, it seems every time I get hit in the head by crackling, searing bolts of electricity I wind up with some new supernatural power. First it was an unbridled, uncontrollable irresistability to women. Next it was the ability to transport myself anywhere in the universe without so much as the blink of an eye. Finally, I too was struck with the ability to read the thoughts of others. However, it seems that you have the uncanny ability to turn off this power. Day in and day out I am bombarded by the voices of others, floating uninvited into my head. Sometimes I feel guilty that I can hear the deepest, darkest secrets of anyone I come in contact with. Sometimes it just drives me crazy. The voices won’t stop. From every direction. Right now, for instance, the girl at the computer next to me is thinking the most revolting thoughts about what she wants to do to me… leading, I assume, from the first gift of the lightning. Wow… I’m going to have to introduce myself to her.

Well, enough of my problems, let’s get back to you. First, it is very important that people like us not let it get out that we have these special powers – otherwise the bad men will come. (Hmm… I hope I’m right in assuming that nobody actually reads this column.) So by no means should you tell your girlfriend how you found out she’s having an affair. I think it is best that we go with your second option, the complicated plot for revenge. Here’s my suggestion. The next time she goes out to Pomme de Terre Island “to be alone” (yeah, right, we both know she’s there with him), sneak out there and steal their boat. When they try to swim back to shore and fail, you’ll be able to go out there yourself with the excuse of rescuing them, and conveniently catch them in the act. Then you’ll be able to safely fall into the arms of your secret crush, probably some kind of a model with piercingly blue contact lenses or something… Everybody wins. Oh, and just ignore those psychic messages that you receive from the model telling you that she’s up to some evil plot that nobody except that guy on the other end of the cellular phone really understands.

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