A Horny Anglophile

Dear Reid,

I never thought I’d be writing to you, but I’m convinced that you can help me. My TA is running my life. I spend all of my time fantasizing about him in the Gap, where he obviously gets so much of his snappy wardrobe. I think about him so much, I’m coming down with carpal tunnel syndrome. Every time he lectures on the plight of the modern movie, I swoon. My life has become one of unbridled onanism. Of course, movies aren’t the only thing that get my juices flowing: There’s a tremendous pile of his sticky, crumpled articles in my room… I feel bad defiling good literature like that. Help me, Reid, before I go mad and rip my clothes off and molest him right there in class. You’re my only hope.

Sincerely,
A Horny Anglophile

I know how you feel. Well, sort of. I know what it’s like to have a crush on someone that you just can’t be with; and that’s really what I think you’re experiencing. A relationship between TA and student is simply inappropriate. I’m afraid that my advice to you on this one is to find a new focal point into which you can pour the energies that you have so far been wasting on this hopeless obsession. Pick, for instance, someone not so far out of your league, someone more on your level. Try to find another student in your class (or another member of whatever organization, club, or band with which you are involved) on whom you could focus your attentions. Basically, anyone that you choose will be better than a TA. I mean, that’s really bad… A lot bad… Very much so. Yeah.

Anyway, if you are not involved in anything, well, get involved. Go to plays, to jazz concerts, to films on campus. Find a club to join, maybe one having to do with your future career goals; if you’re a Chemistry major, join the Chem-Bio club, if an English major, hey, copy edit for the paper. Also, you may want to consider travel to get your mind off of this TA of yours. Stop down by the ISTC office in the Student Center, they have some great people down there who will tell you everything you want to know. And you never know, maybe you’ll meet someone down there worthy of your fixation.

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