No Butt Privacy

Dear Reid,

I’m a freshman, and I was really enjoying myself here at UMM, until my year went horribly wrong. Now I hate the world. When I was getting ready to come out here, I thought it would be real boss to have a cool roommate with a big computer and all that stuff, so I got real pumped, especially when I found out that my future roommate was going to have a scanner so that I could scan in and print my favorite pornographic pictures. In fact, I went out and got a Polaroid so that I could record all the love that I knew I was going to be getting with easy college chicks. And, for a while, things seemed to be going my way.

Then I went out looking on the internet for pornography on my roommate’s bitchin’ computer. I found some good stuff, especially on the watersports pages, but then I stumbled across a picture of what looked disturbingly like my own ass. This didn’t bug me at first, because you know, an ass is an ass and I’m sure there are a lot of people with asses that look just like mine. But then I kept seeing these pictures of asses that looked uncannily like mine, and then pictures of a naked sleeping guy who looked a lot like me getting molested by a creep that looked a lot like my roommate. Then I noticed that all of my Polaroid film was missing and I hadn’t been using it up lately because I couldn’t get with the ladies anymore because they always seemed to be pointing and laughing at me when they saw me, and they used to think that I was a real swinger. My roommate is spreading naked pictures of me on the internet when I’m sleeping, and I want him to stop, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What’s a man to do about this, Reid? You ought to help me.

Thanks,
No Butt Privacy

I know how you feel. The privacy issue, next to chronic food poisoning, is the number one complaint of students living in the residence halls. However, unlike that nauseous feeling you get from tainted Jell-O and the endless hours spent ruling the Water Closet Kingdom from atop the Great Porcelain Throne, privacy is an issue that can be dealt with without resorting to violent revolutionary tactics.
First, my violated friend, you must get a handle on this delicate situation. Don’t worry about the word getting out through the story’s publication in the newspaper. You used a pseudonym, and I’m certain there are countless others in exactly the same situation as yours.

Besides, nobody really reads this column anyway, so you should be completely in the clear. Your instinct (not to mention all logical and rationally thinking people) would tell you to confront your roommate with your concerns in a peaceful manner, trying to resolve the problem in a way that will be mutually beneficial to the both of you. Others might tell you to bring harassment charges against him. I would suggest that you do nothing of the sort, because, as you said, we don’t want to hurt his feelings for Pete’s sake. For the time being it is important that your roommate not know that you know his dark secret. When your Polaroid runs out of film, reload it. If you happen to awaken during one of his photo sessions, feign that you are still asleep.

The next step involves slow, quiet, calculating, and devastating revenge. You must do to your roommate exactly what he has done to you, only on a much larger, and infinitely more personal scale. And, as you go about your revenge, slowly, over the remainder of the quarter, so that when it all comes out you no longer have to live with the guy, you will absolutely destroy him, regaining all the respect you have lost from others, and once again returning to your status as the swinging ladies’ man of your past.

Don’t just take pictures of the guy while he’s asleep, that’s for wussies. Set up hidden cameras in the shower, in the bathroom stalls (there’s nothing more embarassing than a good toilet shot), and in all corners of your bedroom. The removable ceiling tiles in the dorms on campus are God’s gift to voyeurs. Whether you use still shots or full-color, full-motion video should be determined by how badly you want to get this guy. Anyway, when you’ve got the pictures, it’s time to go to the computer. Now, any self-respecting computer owner has a wide array of illicit (or “pirated,” if you’re the kind of dork who likes to use those words… you probably call yourself a “hacker,” too, you weenie) software that you should have paid about $500 for. Anyway, pick your favorite image-editing program and go to work. With this program, you will find it a simple task to enhance (or, may I suggest, de-enhance) certain aspects of his anatomy.

When you’re done playing with his self, post the pictures on the Net, print them out, and slap them up in TV lounges across campus (right under the TV, or nobody will ever see them because who the hell looks at those bulletin board things anyway?), and distribute them through campus mail to everyone but me, because I don’t want to see that stuff, it’s sick. Or, you could just pound the crap out of him.

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