Deep Throat

Dear Reid,

Sunday night, I stumbled across a frightful event. I was minding my own business, lurking just outside the door of the KUMM studio, when I glimpsed an astonishing sight. I hesitate to divulge this information purely because of the conspiratorial implications that my testimony makes clear, but this must get out. High-ranking officers of KUMM, MCSA and The University Register were all in the studio, laughing it up, having a grand old time, with a worker from the Information Desk. Shocking, I realize, but it is true.

What could these four have in their agenda? Surely this could not be a chance occurrence. And the idea that members of these four organizations would have any benign reason for such secret meetings is laughable. No, what I saw was definitely the underpinnings of some vast corruption on this campus.

Warmest regards,
Deep Throat

I know how you feel. Life can be complicated sometimes. Take, for example, the life of an average college student. Classes, homework, involvement in student organizations, personal relationships (or lack thereof), jobs, and mandatory attendance at at least three parties a week can all contribute to a very high level of stress. As a college student, it is important to learn the basics of dealing with stress.

The first tip I can offer for reducing stress is that you make a list of priorities. Simply organizing everything you need to do in a given week, and scheduling things in order of importance and urgency, can significantly reduce the amount of pressure you feel on a daily basis. With the example of our average college student, it is quite easy to tell that prorities should be put in something like this order: Party, job, personal relationships, party, student organizations, homework, party, and finally classes. To balance things out, you’ll probably want to add an elective party at the end.

Time management is an easy and effective way to cut down on stress, but there is another solution. Statistical studies have found that simply ignoring the pressures of everyday life has an immediate and drastic effect on the level of stress that a person feels. Go to bed early, sleep late, skip class, meetings, and let your homework collect dust in a corner. Personal relationships? Who needs them? You will find that by pushing all of your friends away you will be burdened by far fewer invitations to run to Willmar on a night when you could just as well be watching “Seinfeld” and “ER.” Whatever you do, though, don’t stop going to at least three parties a week. You have to have some structure.

I hope these suggestions help you, my friend. It is obvious from your letter that you have been dealing with an extreme load of stress and it has resulted in your becoming delusional. I assure you that there is no conspiratorial planning taking place between the media and political organizations on this campus. By the way, thank you for including a return address on your envelope. If you remain in your room, someone will be along shortly with a special gift for you.

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