Hooked on a Hunk

Dear Reid,

I think I’m in love. The guy I’m seeing is cute, charming, athletic, cute… I can’t stop thinking about him. I sit at home, waiting with anticipation for his calls. The calls are rare – usually if I want to talk to him I have to do the calling – but oh, when he calls me back! Actually, he only calls me back once every five times or so that I call him, but those calls are so wonderful. And I love it when he brings me flowers – er, the time he brought me flowers, um, last Valentine’s Day. And he’s so sweet, deep down, I mean.

On the surface he may come off as a real jerk sometimes. Well, most of the time. Okay, he’s always acted like a dick when we were around other people, and most of the time when we’re not, but he was really sweet that time last spring when we were alone watching SportsCenter and he brought me a soda from the kitchen when he went to get himself a beer. Deep down I know he’s a really wonderful person, I’m just trying to get to the real him. Did I mention he’s cute? Why can’t I just meet a nice guy for once?

Hooked on a Hunk

I know how you feel. I mean, the guy’s good looking, so he must be a really wonderful person on the inside, too. Remember what I said a few weeks ago about men being eternally stupid? Well, it seems we’re not the only ones. Here’s a little clue for you: If it acts like a jerk, sounds like a jerk, and smells like a jock, then it’s probably a jerk.

Guys are morons, incapable of hiding their true personalities and feelings for any significant amount of time. Apparently, to my dismay, the fairer sex, for which I have until now held such high regard, is capable of an equal denseness of the cranium. If you’ve been seeing this guy since Valentine’s Day, and still haven’t gotten to know the “real him,” I’ve got news for you. You know the real him. This guy’s a creep, and despite the pretty packaging isn’t worth a handful of candy corn a week after Halloween.

Why, time after time, do women go after the slimy, vulgar, cretinous, incurable scumbags who have nothing more to offer than baby blue eyes and a winning smile? Aren’t men supposed to be the ones led droolingly by their physical attractions? Women are supposed to be smarter than that.

You say that you want a guy who will cherish you. A guy that will bring you flowers for no reason, and call just to say hello. A guy who listens when you talk and who laughs when you make a joke. A guy who compliments what you wear and what you do. Yet you continue to fall for the dimples and the perfect sideburns of a complete and total jackass.

The truth is, nice guys aren’t hard to find. They’re all around, in fact. They’re the ones who don’t force themselves on you at parties, who don’t try to take you back to their place from the bar. They’re the ones to whom, when they ask you out, you say, “I like you… but as a friend.”


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