Three-timed in the P.E. Annex

Dear Reid,

I have a problem with a guy I know, for the sake of anonymity we’ll just call him “Alan.” A couple months ago we started seeing each other and then one day he told me that he liked someone else. Okay, no problem, we can be friends. Then one day we crossed that ever so “concrete” line between friends and more than friends.

After break, I was talking with a good friend of mine and I casually mentioned to her what had happened and much to our surprise the same exact thing had happened to her too! After comparing notes for a while we realized that not only did he do the same thing to both of us, he used the same lines too! After hours of plotting revenge on him we got a phone call from another friend of ours and to make a long story short, he did the same thing to her, too. Same lines.

So, he is now trying to maintain a relationship with all three of us. He even calls us all on the same night. How do you think this situation should be handled? We have been doing some brainstorming and have considered calling his radio show and requesting the song “To all the girls I’ve loved before” by Willie and Julio but we don’t know what to do. Help!

Sincerely,
Three-Timed in the PE Annex

I know how you feel. Actually, I probably know more how he feels than how you feel, considering that’s the kind of crap most guys like to pull on a regular basis. Now, somebody will probably come around trying to kick my ass after I give away these secrets, as has happened so many times before. Luckily, I have my anonymity to protect me.

Your friend is a member of a breed of weaselly guys who have the ability to make you like them whether you want to or not. Maybe they choose to join a girlie sport like soccer—a great way to get with the chicas. Another thing these guys might choose to do is play an instrument in a band; girls always go for musicians, you know. And if he were to do both, woah baby, he could go on a campus-wide rampage.

Now that we know how he gets in with the ladies, we’ll examine what our good friend “Alan” probably does once they’ve warmed to him. He’s probably the nicest, sweetest guy—almost enough to make you wonder what you’re doing with him. This kid’s so nice that you feel like an ass in comparison. Imagine innocent little questions as you hang out with him like, “What are you thinking?” or “What’s on your mind?” Oh, yeah, this guy’s a peach. I bet he’s got dimples and everything.

Somewhere around the time you’re not sure if you want to be hanging out with this kid, you can expect a shy, confused-sounding question, making you feel guilty or even sorry for him: “So, what’s up with us?” This boy “Alan” is one tasty cracker—bring him to Pomme de Terre with some marshmallows and you could make S’mores.

Next it’s time to cuddle up in front of a video. The best ones for Slimy’s scam are “Casablanca,” “Say Anything,” or “When Harry Met Sally.” That last one is especially popular when he’s taking the old Friends-To-More-Than-Friends approach. Watch out for this guy, it’s going to be hard to resist his Rico Suave charms—though I really can’t see what would make anyone fall for him.

When he’s decided it’s time for him to move on to the next victim, expect a line having something to do with wanting to go back to being friends. That’s the stinger. Women have been using it on men for ages, and he’s decided that the only way his sick little fantasy can truly be fulfilled is if he throws it right back in your face.

Know these warning signs, faithful readers, and protect yourself from weasels like “Alan.” He’s done it before and you can be sure he’ll do it again. Oh, a good scam for getting back at the dude would be the venerable Penguin Technique, as featured this week on “Ally McBeal.” Wow, she’s a babe.

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