Intern Scandal

Dear Reid,

I was listening to some scary music the other day…okay, I’ll admit I was listening to Alanis Morrissette. In this frightening piece of tunage, the lyrics spoke of “friends with benefits,” or something of the like. Now, knowing that Alanis is a true genius, and is obviously an expert in the field of romance judging from the subject matter of her musical poetry, I’ve been considering this idea.

Ms. Morrissette’s literary eloquence has inspired in me a yearning, a burning to try something new. I have an incredibly hot friend, and I think he’s willing. Should I pursue this love-lust which has flamed up inside me? Is it possible that my friend and I could have a relationship like that of Jerry and Elaine in early episodes of “Seinfeld”? And we cannot forget the immortal words of Michael Bolton, “How can we be lovers if we can’t be friends?” Giving in to my urges would really just be an extension of that notion, would it not? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Burning for a Buddy

I know how you feel. I believe that I can offer some insight into this dilemma, especially considering that this (or some variation on the theme) seems to be a rather popular issue with readers of this column. The old standby, a friends-to-more-than-friends-and-back-to-being-friends-like-in-”When Harry Met Sally”-except-without-the-getting-married-and-not-taking-twelve-years-before-we-get-to-sleep-together question. I am not quite as comfortable in discussing this as I am such issues as vampirism, devil worship and leftist politics, as it is not an issue with which I have personal experience. But what the hell.

I believe your problem can be related to the current political scandal that has shaken the Morris Campus Student Association in recent weeks. Indeed, last week’s special Friday edition of The University Register sported a splash headline on the front page which read “VP of Academic (and Sexual) Affairs caught in the act,” complete with irrefutable photo illustrations by UR graphic artists. For anonymity’s sake in this column, we’ll call the official who is currently under scrutiny Sarah N.—or wait, maybe S. Nylander would be more appropriate. It seems from the testimony of an anonymous Student Activities worker that Vice President Nylander spent 47 seconds alone with a certain Morris Academic Intern in the third cubicle on the left last Thursday afternoon. What occurred during those 47 seconds we can only speculate.

And speculating is what the campus has been doing over the past week. The University Register has gained access to taped telephone conversations between a friend of a friend of a friend of the intern’s second cousin’s ex-roommate’s lawyer’s next door neighbor’s business partner’s late uncle’s colleague from work’s grandson’s current roommate, and his best friend Steve. And in these conversations, there is a very obvious and glaring lack of any reference to what might have happened during the 47 seconds in question. Based on these taped conversations, and their obviously careful omission of such references, it can only be concluded that something very dirty and illicit occurred in Student Activities that day.

Without any further information, I feel the need to put my name on the line and say that I predict that because of this filthy scandal involving the Vice President and her big-haired intern, approval ratings for the managment of The Oracle will drop dramatically, and inevitably the Secretary of KUMM will resign within the week. Mark my words.

Now, Burning, you may be wondering how exactly all this relates to your predicament. It doesn’t. If you actually believed that your piddly whining possibly could have some correlation to such a large-scale calumny, you’re suffering from delusions of grandeur. The similarity is not between the problems; the relationship is drawn with a common solution. Two completely disparate situations which meet at a common end. Both you and the Vice President for Academic Affairs are on a road to disgrace, heartache, and misery; though the physical pleasures may arguably be enough to offset the costs. The answer to your quandary is simple: don’t do it.

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