The German Club Goosed Abe Lincoln

Dear Reid,
It’s never been easy to be a leader. In ancient times, insubordinates would give Moses noogies, while, more recently, Abraham Lincoln was frequently goosed by members of his Cabinet.

Even the current President of the United States faces allegations of marital infidelity, perjury, and “misusing” Oval Office equipment in a sexual manner, brought about by “Special” Prosecutor Ringo Starr. The American economy is going well enough, though, that his opinion rating remains high; most likely, the public wouldn’t even care if he delivered the State of the Union address with a gerbil in his underpants.

Several months ago, the German Club also dealt with problems of its own. Once again, the highly secretive organization found that its meeting minutes were being leaked to the press, and the press, in turn, shared information with their rivals in the French Club. Of course, those in the French Club are generally illiterate, so the meeting minutes were of little use to them.

Dearly yours,
Can’t Stop Complaining

I know just how you feel. Two weeks ago, Chancellor David Johnson’s diplomatic mission took a turn for the extraterrestrial, however. According to eyewitness accounts, Chancellor Dave became the first representative of higher education in the United States to meet with space aliens, who had traveled for Morris for recent bargains at Coborn’s and Willie’s Supervalu.

Want to join them? Well, contact a representative of SMCSA— the Stinky Morris Campus Student Association— for more information about next Monday’s “Loopy Day.” This paragraph has been sponsored by SMCSA.

She also discussed her experiences traveling the universe. “In our journeys, we have met a number of different life forms, including those that met with your United States President last year, as reported in your highly reliable newspaper, The Weekly World News. So far, Earthlings are the only species we have encountered so far who don’t urinate back out of the mouth.”

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