!Kung Nationalism

Dear Reid,

Lately I have been pondering a dilemma faced by the United States as a nation. As a country that is new to being an imperial power, we have much to decide, and much to learn. Many nations, after years of economic and political support from the Soviet Union, are struggling to undergo the transition from socialism to a market economy. These nations must restructure their entire economic and political system. As the default model for democracy and capitalism in the world, the United States feels the call for help in how to go about the transition.

Should the United States, and other more stable countries, interfere with these struggling nations and help to rebuild them in our image, or should they be left to their own devices to make their own decisions? Considering our strength and position in the world, it seems that we should offer as much support as possible, and not allow them to slip through the cracks into disarray. However, if we become too involved, how likely is it that the system we put in place will be satisfactory to the inhabitants of the countries? How can we help other countries, without stepping on any toes, and without destroying their culture?

Sincerely,
Concerned Citizen

I know how you feel. This problem is, on a grander scale, very much like that faced by anthropologists when they study societies of hunter-gatherers such as the !Kung in Africa.

It will be very important for the United States not to make the same mistakes as it takes on its new role as an imperial power that the first anthropologists made in the 19th century when they began studying other cultures. The early anthropologists were a big bunch of morons.

Only a human not capable of higher-level thought processes would be so arrogant as to label an entire group of people as “primitive,” or as incapable of “progressing” toward “civilization.” Such groups as the Polygenists, the Unilateral Evolutionists, and UMM’s freshman class are so inherently stupid as to only have the mental capacity to lump groups together and label them as inferior. I am afraid, as much as we have tried to teach these people, that their minds are so primitive that they are simply incapable of progressing to an intellectual level consistent with civilization.

The United States should not make the same mistakes in foreign policy as early anthropologists made when studying groups such as the !Kung bushmen. By driving their jeeps into the midst of a society devoid of modern technology and conveniences, these idiots inevitably changed that society forever. In their naïve attempt to study a different culture, which their inferior minds could only perceive as inferior, they introduced such items as tobacco, alcohol, gasoline-burning engines, and, worst of all, clothing.

There is only one possible way to rectify all of the wrongs that have been perpetrated on the !Kung, the former socialists, and the freshman class. This solution is the one thing all cultures, and all humans have in common. All you gotta do is dance, dance. That’s right, dancing. If everyone on earth pops a CD into the old hi-fi, preferably something that really swings, then we will all be able to get along. Regardless of one’s intellectual capacity to comprehend the nature of the human race, everyone with an IQ beyond that of a spider monkey can follow a beat. !Kung will be dancing with anthropologists, freshmen will be dancing with socialists, and the world will live in harmony.

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