The cure for Elephantitis

Dear Reid,

I have just returned to UMM after a few months of traveling around the world. Since my return I have noticed weird things have been happening to my body. For example, my legs have begun to look puffy, no not just puffy, but really really huge. They have become shapeless and chunky and they look like a block of mozzarella cheese.

I am not exactly sure of the cause of the changes, but health service told me that I have Elephantitis. I am not sure of the cause, but I’ve been told it’s due to the combination of water and ethanol. I know my immune system is not used to the potency of the milky-yellowish substance some townies call water, but I never would have guessed it would have such harmful consequences.

Out of sheer fear, I have refrained from drinking water of all sorts, but that has caused subsequent problems I can’t even mention. I only have 4 weeks left of school, but until then I don’t want to look like the new UMM mascot. HELP!


I know how you feel. My crack-whore cousin is having a baby. She is nineteen and still in diapers. The father is a 52-year-old electrician. The only people I know who are that old are my uncles and aunts, and maybe a professor or two.

Speaking of professors, I saw a picture of a certain Psychology professor from UMM on the cover of a CD-ROM lying on the desk in the UR office. The cover says “Norton Utilities,” and this guy’s name is obviously not Norton, so I can only infer that he must be moonlighting as a fashion model for computer software companies. Strange, that.

Almost as strange as a certain section editor choosing to purchase five double-CD sets on her recent trip to Alexandria, shortly after complaining about a shortage of money to pay for her tuition. The state of Minnesota pays a large percentage of your tuition each quarter, through tax revenue. It would be an outrage if Tommy Thompson, the fascist governor of Wisconsin, were allowed to use tax revenue to send his storm troopers across the Minnesota border for an invasion. Good thing he doesn’t have any—storm troopers, I mean, not tax revenue.

As long as we’re on the subject of Canada, the debate on starvation in Somalia has been raging for decades. Farm subsidies in the United States, an incentive for farmers not to grow crops, seems wasteful on an international scale. Imagine if all the farms in the country produced at their capacity, instead of underproducing to avoid flooding the market. Instead of being stored or thrown away, the surplus could be granted to countries with starving populations. Of course, we’d never do this, because why do we care if people are starving in other countries?

Country singer, “Can of Spam” guru and UR columnist Abe Welle had much to say on the subject of circus animals at a joint press conference held by him and Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates last week. During the presentation, Abe tried to attach a scanner to the computer Gates was demonstrating, causing the soon-to-be-released-or-not Windows 98 operating system to crash dramatically, showing definitively that Microsoft is hell-bent on taking over the world, most notably Somalia. Tommy Thompson had no comment on the issue.

The latest issue of Vibe magazine featured an “Illuminati Watch” covering Tony Robbins and his band of merry men, who, in conjunction with the Walt Disney Corporation, are vying for control of the market for pyramid schemes. Since pyramid schemes are illegal, the Department of Justice will have no recourse against their illegal domination of the market.

Of particular interest to the Department of Justice is the commercial segments shown before the trailers at the Alexandria movie theater. One is for a place called Pete’s County Market, which dominates the local markets for meat and cellular phones. Air Touch Cellular has been conspiring with the Tony Robbins-Walt Disney conglomorate in recent months to wage a hostile takeover of Microsoft. They hope to gain from this acquisition valuable information contained on a CD-ROM secretly, and unwittingly, stolen from highly-placed fashion models in the Somalian government by Wisconsinite storm troopers on a reconnaisance mission. This CD-ROM is said to hold the formula—reportedly a combination of country music, canned meat, crack, and corn by-products—which will cure elephantitis.

What is Elephantitis?


The word is actually elephantiasis. Sadly, the Google search term driving the most traffic to my Web site is actually a misspelling.

In complicated terms, the disease is characterized by chronic, often extreme enlargement and hardening of cutaneous and subcutaneous tissue, especially of the legs and external genitals, resulting from lymphatic obstruction and usually caused by infestation of the lymph glands and vessels with a filarial worm.

To you and me, that means it’s a disease of the skin, in which it become enormously thickened, and is rough, hard, and cracked, like an elephant’s hide.

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Important Disclaimer

Dear Reid is not a licensed therapist, nor should he be. The advice granted in this column is rarely sound, and often inappropriate. The contents of this page are for entertainment purposes only.


3 Responses to “The cure for Elephantitis”

  1. Para Says:

    ABOUT ELEPHANTIASIS – I’m not a doctor, but I do dabble in Homeopathy and I cured 3 cases of hugely swollen legs (don’t ask, – I don’t know if it was gout, elephatiasis or any other condition.) One of those cases was given up as hopeless by the largest Govt. hospital in Delhi. The medicine I used is Apis, (I bought it, but it’s made from bee venom, diluted many times over.) It’s harmless & worth a try for that poor person who has it. It worked overnight, so if it’s going to work it should do so right away. If the medicine isn’t available, boil the stinger of a bee (or the whole bee, if u want) then remove one spoonful, put it in water, then shake it. From that you take another spoonful and put it in another glass. Then take one spoonful of that water. I prefer 30 dilutions, but that would be too difficult to do at home. If you buy it, get apis 30. As I said I’m not a doctor, but word has gone around that I know a thing or two about homeopathy, so a lot of people want me to recommend medicines to them. (I don’t charge money either, it’s a service.) I hope it works out, best of luck.

  2. Gout Says:


    […]The cure for Elephantitis « Dear Reid[…]…

  3. Rewiring Campbelltown Says:

    Rewiring Campbelltown…

    […]The cure for Elephantitis « Dear Reid[…]…

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