The Stevens County Earthquake of 1975

Dear Reid,

Recently I have been reading a lot on the subject of earthquakes and earthquake prediction. These concepts, or so I thought, seemed entirely unreal. That is, until I heard of the great Morris earthquake of 1975. I never thought earthquakes were possible in Minnesota, only freaky places like California and Missouri. However, I heard it was really true—earthquakes can affect Minnesota.

Well, upon hearing this, my intrest in earthquakes increased. Now everywhere I look I see warning signs of upcoming earthquakes. I realize that you probably think that I am crazy, but really, they are out there. For instance, have you noticed the unusual size and behavior of the squirrels in this area? In China pandas have been known to scream with the onset of an earthquake. I think these squrriels may just be the key to realizing the fault line Morris is on!

Additionally, I was walking by Behmler and noticed that an incredibly sturdy staircase had given out. Is it possible that the epicenter would be located right under the Chancellor’s office? Is there a fault line somewhere under Highway 28? Please, grant me your infinite wisdom in this area before I start bottling water and start staring at my Richter scale!

Truly,
Trembling in Terror

I know how you feel. As so often occurs in this column, however, I can’t help but think that your fear of earthquakes is quite obviously rooted in some deeper problem. It seems to me that, actually, I am the source of all of your problems. Your blatant use of flattery, complimenting my “infinite wisdom,” is a certain clue to your obvious issues with me.

This complex is nothing new to me, dear reader. However, while I realize that most of my readers probably have intense romantic feelings toward me, there is a problem of ethics involved here. Professional counselors are bound by rules which prevent them from acting on or taking advantage of those vulnerable souls who come to them seeking help. Because I am not a professional counselor, but, admittedly, a complete and utter crank, I am bound by no such rules.

The ethics which relate to my problem are really more a form of logistics. I am in a rather unique position, what with having several hundred fans constantly pining and slobbering over me, to carry on a number of scandalous affairs at any time. However, as evidenced by earlier letters from readers (Three Timed in the P.E. Annex), women do not like it when men choose to seduce and manipulate them, especially when the man is doing it to several women at a time. But what are you going to do?

This confusion reminds me of a letter from very early in the year, when a certain reader (Befuddled About Boys) wrote asking about this guy who mysteriously flirted so blatantly that she could only interpret it as joking. Recall the secret revealed in this case which actually got me beaten up—twice. I broke the code of maledom in the hopes of making an easier life for all humanity, and leaked the secret that all men are complete idiots, incapable of the complex thought processes necessary to perpetrate a mysterious hoax such as this.

The same reader (I beleive, though the pseudonym was different: Groping for Agreement) had a problem involving roommates and a dirty hat. This case has no connection here. Another reader hinted at a conspiracy involving the leaders of several student organizations, all caught in the studio of KUMM together conspiring to control all of the information released to students on the campus. One of these leaders was later caught in a cubicle with an MCSA intern.

This conspiracy may have something to do with your problem, but probably not as much as does the boy who bathed in Kool Aid until his entire body turned red, then had sex in front of an audience of innocent dorm-dwellers. The two letters which relate most closely to your case, however are the one about elaphantitis and Wisconsinite nazi stormtroopers and the one about the kid two years ago who was afaid to ask out the girl in his French class. I think I solved those quite nicely, though some feedback would be nice.

As for the earthquakes, your fear related to the fault beneath Behmler is quite valid. The Man and his dark henchmen, those behind the paramilitary, anticapitalist, extra-terrestrial-influenced conspiracy which has infiltrated even the most remote of campus organizations, slowly rotting the campus from the inside out, has been long rumored to have constructed an underground complex for the testing of ultra-secret hybrid technology, and is hell-bent on taking over the world. Of course, none of this can be proven.

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