Paranoid Freak

Dear Reid,

I would first like to make it clear that I am not a spy. I think that those people are very wrong in believing that they have beaten you. They may have shattered your dreams, but you are still strong. If you are right, and these people are men, then they are stupid! I will tell you the reason why you have not lost, though I do not like to brag. The reason why you haven’t lost is me. I am a true fan who has read your responses and laughed, been enlightened, and at times (from The Man’s letter – not your response) angry. 

Why am I your reason for not facing humiliation? Because I believe in you. I love you like a best friend; though this is my first post. I sincerely hope you are not thinking, “Poor, poor, little girl. She is far too young to possibly understand anything.”

I do understand. Adults think that anyone who isn’t old enough to legally get high or drunk is a total moron. They assume this for the same reason that people become bullies. They feel horrible about themselves, and go find someone they think is inferior to feed off, to enhance their own self-esteem. They hate it when those who can’t legally get high stand up to them, for they are then unable to feed off that person. I have, however, met some adults (and you are probably one of them) who feel that just because one cannot get drunk, does not mean that he or she is stupid.

This is where I wish you good luck and leave. Good Luck.


I know how you feel. I am taking a great risk by responding to this post, but for the cause of freedom and justice, I’ll forgo my better judgment. Are you quite sure you don’t just need some dating advice?

I’m glad someone has finally found this page that truly understands my plight. Day in and day out (or, well, these days once every three to four months) I deal with hopeless cases on this Web site who can barely refasten their own disposable underpants, let alone make sense of the intellectual enlightenment I am capable of providing. I must apologize for the tardiness of my response. In order to properly protect your identity – and mine – from the shadow forces which seek to control our minds, it was necessary to launder your message through a complicated network of underground e-mail services, and perform a spell-check.

Of course, when I read this message for the first time, I thought something along the lines of “Poor little girl – she is far too young to possibly understand anything.” Upon further reflection, and much internal debate, I finally decided that this letter needed to be published. It was a moral imperative. Perhaps, through the wide-eyed innocence and die-hard quest for truth and human goodness found in this young person’s letter, I would finally be able to stand up straight again. I would be able to shake off the shackles clasped upon me by The Man, and break down the web of corporate deceit and bureaucratic procedure that has trapped this dedicated advice columnist in its grips for the last several months. I would be free, and so would all of my loyal readers be free to drink of my knowledge.

Just knowing that someone out there, somewhere, believes in me, brings new life to my quest. And, it brings new focus to my energies. From now until the end of today’s column, it will be my sole purpose in life to force new legislation upon the U.S. congress which will force adults to respect and fear the young, and encourage them to bestow upon them the rights due them at birth – to get drunk and high whenever they want.

The government shall know that I am fed up with their bickering demands for capitol expenditures and peace in the Middle East. I will not rest until the legal drinking age in the United States is lowered to 13, until marijuana and cocaine are legalized in no fewer than 39 states, until tobacco is delivered free of charge to every living person in this country on a daily basis through the U.S. Postal Service, or until I get tired sometime later this evening and decide to give up and go to bed.

Seriously, though, a message to The Man (I know you’re still listening): I think that my readers and I have finally proven that we cannot be beaten. Slowly, through the power of Al Gore’s greatest contribution to society, we are building an alliance against you. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never find us (Unless, of course, you think to check the phone book – but that would probably be to obvious). No matter how hard you try, you’ll never stop us.

Oh, and also, mean people suck.


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