Hot Catholic Action

Dear Reid,

A month or so ago, my best friends tried to set me up with a girl. Now, I was warned previously by the same pair of friends that we might not hit it off. Then, sometime later, they had a mysterious change of heart, and enthusiastically encouraged me to meet her. They invited both of us to a party they were throwing, where the intent was that we would meet, get to know one another, and together enter into a whirlwind romance of Hollywood proportions (or at the very least have a few too many and bed down for a night of loveless sex). But the reality was, we actually ended up hating each other, as our only direct communication consisted of her flipping me off and making several scathing remarks regarding an innocent comment I had made about hot buttered corn.

Thus, my question is, what is the deal with my friends? At the time, I assumed they were making a concerted effort to hook me up. Now I’m worried that they were only conspiring against me, in an effort to watch me strike out in a most repugnant fashion. Could it be that my friends are diabolical and sadistic? Are they scheming? They keep telling me they had no idea things would go as badly as they did, but I’m inclined to think otherwise. Could it be that I’ve been watching to many spy films? What does one do in such a compromising position? I certainly don’t want to be on the ass-end of their jokes, nor do I want to be the inspiration behind their cruel, manipulative plots. But, they know all the best places to buy really cheap beer, and friends like that are hard to come by. What should I do?

Signed,

The Elastic Cowboy

I know how you feel. I’ve had many a failed blind date in my day. Okay, so there was only the one, but that’s just because I don’t have very many friends, and the friends that I do have think I’d be a lousy date.. But, let me tell you, that one date was a doozy.

It started like every blind date: I picked her up in my supercool Aston Martin roadster and whisked her away to the local heliport. From there, we flew past the glistening skyline, landing on the roof of the city’s tallest tower. There, I had arranged for a candle-lit, rooftop dinner with a small, 70-piece orchestra providing background music.

After dinner, to spice things up, we B.A.S.E. jumped from the edge of the building, sharing a first thrilling kiss just as we reached terminal velocity, our chutes bursting open like a teenager’s ejaculate as we descended gracefully to the ground in the moonlight. Pursued by a pack of uniformed police officers, we made it in the nick of time to the Ferrari I had left strategically hidden in a nearby alleyway.

My Testarossa carried us at 130 MPH out of the city, to a cliff overlooking the coast. As the sun began to rise in the east, we made love on the hood of the car to the rhythm of crashing waves. Pretty standard stuff, really, but it all fell apart from there. For some reason, she took offense to my sudden and urgent need to get the hell out of there after we finished things up, and she still hasn’t forgiven me for my absentminded driving off alone, so she had to hike the 23 miles back to town. Maybe she was angry because her dress was still crumpled on the floor of my car, leaving her outside with only a thong…

Anyway, back to your problem. In all good conscience, you cannot blame your friends for the lack of a love connection with this girl. It’s fairly clear to me that, despite their initial hesitation, they really did have good intentions. Any animosity shared between you and the would-be date must have stemmed solely from unpredictable personality conflicts and an overabundance of alcohol.

For your next blind date, I suggest that you not open the conversation with cooking tips and recipes for hot buttered corn. Women tend to take offense when told by men how to cook. They find it demeaning and oppressive, and immediately become defensive. Instead, try telling a dirty joke. Something funny to break the ice, and with a strong sexual overtone to let her know that you’re interested.

And, finally, be sure you meet her in the right context. While it’s nice to get an introduction for a friend, there are many other venues available to help you narrow the playing field. Say, for example, you’re a Catholic looking for someone who shares similar beliefs. You could visit a respectable dating Web site like Hot Catholic ActionHot Catholic Action, where you’ll find many young women just waiting to meet a guy like you.

If that doesn’t work, you could try hanging around outside an abortion clinic. I hear that’s a great place to meet loose women. Good luck, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

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