My best guy friend is acting sort of weird lately. I asked someone about it and they said he kind of acted gay and maybe he was confused. This guy is so cool and he is a really good friend of mine but I don’t know how to act around him with that thought now in my head. I don’t know if he really is, but, what should I do? It’s not like I can just ask him. I also feel weird around gay people, I know it’s wrong but there’s nothing I can do about it. And I really don’t want to lose a freind as good as this one over that.
Please answer soon,
I know how you feel. It’s a difficult time in everyone’s life when they first have to address the concept of sexual orientation. Common myth indicates that nearly 10% of the population is homosexual. Rigorous studies I have personally conducted at bars and clubs across the country would place that number much higher among the female population—perhaps closer to 99.9%. These figures assume that my wit and charm would be irresistable to any self-respecting heterosexual woman, an assumption I think would be unquestionably agreed to by readers of this site.
Now, given the figures, it is extremely likely that at least one—if not most—of your friends are, indeed, gay. So, given the fact that the guy in question has been observed to “act gay,” there are a few tests you can perform to find out for sure.
Provided at the right are a few simple Rorschach ink-blot tests you can administer to your friend. These images have been developed by a team of professional psychologists working for DearReid.com. His interpretation of the blots should provide a great deal of insight into his inner psyche, and give a clue as to his sexual preferences.
On a piece of paper, create two columns, one labeled “Straight,” and the other labeled “Gay.” Show your friend the inkblots at the right, and record his answers. Of course, you’ll have to hide the answers shown below each inkblot when you administer the test, so as not to skew his responses. Each answer of “A” will add a point to the “Gay” column, while each answer of “B” will add a point to the “Straight” column. Reverse these if the test taker is a woman.
If, after completion of the Rorschach test, you still question your friend’s sexual orientation, there are a few harder-hitting experiments you can perform. But be woarned, these alternatives are not for the faint of heart, may be illegal in some states, and should not be performed by anyone under the age of 117.
The Sterotypical Neatness Test
This is less of a test than an observational study. When attempting to judge if a male friend is gay, you can look for a few tell-tale signs. First, are his shirts ironed and tucked in properly? Do his socks match his shirt? Is his hair neatly trimmed, with sideburns that extend just below the ear? Is his living space in good order, with a tightly made bed and very little dirty laundry on the kitchen floor? Does he often act effeminate, using language such as “sweetie” and “honey” while pronouncing his “S”’s with a slight lisp? And finally, does he appear to clean under his fingernails? If there isn’t a significant amound of dirt under at least two or three of his fingernails, there is a very good chance that your friend is gay.
The Seduction Test
This is one for the ages. In the early part of the last millenium, men who were suspected by their female friends of being gay were often lured into a room filled with one to eight attractive, nude women, where an independent observer could then gauge their reaction. If he started babbling like an idiot, shaking, drooling, barking, or removing his own clothing with reckless abandon, he was most often considered to be straight. On the other hand, if the man immediately struck up a conversation, commented on a woman’s toenails, or, really, maintained any sort of composure whatsoever, he was generally judged to be gay. This test was mostly abandonded in the late 12th century after men began to catch on, and started acting effeminite, dressing neatly, and cleaning under their fingernails in an attempt to instigate an orgy.
So What if He is Gay? Deal with it. If he’s gay now, he was gay before. He’s still your friend; that hasn’t changed. If it makes you feel uncomfortable to be around him, that’s your problem, and you have some issues of your own to work out.