Workplace masturbation

Dear Reid,

Is masturbation okay at work? I have recently been getting this sudden urge to feel myself up in the restrooms in our office. I have also been sneaking in some occasional petting under my desk while working.

I haven’t been caught in the act (yet), but there have been a few close calls. Actually, I’ve found the experience even more orgasmic when I knew discovery was almost at hand.

Last week, I was fondling myself through my skirt when this gorgeous blond guy who I’m totally infatuated with walked up to my desk. I started shaking with pleasure so badly I nearly fell out of my chair. It’s almost as if the danger of getting caught was even more exhilarating than the act itself.

I feel guilty that I am fulfilling my sexual urges and pleasuring myself while getting paid. I try to tell myself that I don’t get paid very much, and that this is the least that they can allow me to do… but it isn’t enough. For some reason, I still feel bad. Please write me back to help me with this situation.

Please help,

Vibrating Vixen

I know how you feel. For our less-educated readers, I think it’s first important to engage in a discussion about the act of masturbation itself. In a nutshell, masturbation means touching your sex organs to get pleasure. It’s been called by many names, most of them quite clever and even alliterative, but the basic act of self-pleasuring has been practiced through the ages.

Many people are embarrased or ashamed to talk about masturbation because they think it is wrong. On the contrary, it is a completely natural thing to do, irregardless of what the religio-patriotic right wing establishment would have you believe. We can trace many of these negative feelings toward self-pleasure back to America’s Puritan roots.

Many old farts hundreds of years ago believed masturbating was sinful. Back then, parents forced their daughters to wear gloves made of steel wool at night or to put a powder on their private parts that made them painful to touch. Boys had to wear metal chastity belts at night that made it painful to have an erection. I’m serious. These types of attitudes have led many generations to believe masturbation is wrong or weird when it’s not.

Recent estimates state that 97% of males and 90% of females masturbate at some time in their lives. The remaining population simply lied on the survey. Everyone, and I mean everyone, does it. And, they do it everywhere. Most people do it in the privacy of their own homes or in the back seats of taxicabs, but other popular locations are restrooms, department store fitting rooms, and in movie theaters (but only if the movie is rated PG-13 or above, you perverted little sicko!). The workplace, while not exactly the most private location for touching your most private parts, is perfectly acceptable as long as you’ve cleared the behavior with your immediate supervisor.

However, if you feel the need to curb your desires, there is one (unproven) suppressant for the urge to masturbate: Corn Flakes. The guy who invented Kellogs Corn Flakes, John Kellogg, thought sex and masturbation were horrible. He believed it could give you leprosy, heart disease and epilepsy. He designed his famous breakfast cereal to promote health and decrease interest in sex. There is absolutely no evidence that eating Corn Flakes has any effect on sex drive or masturbation, but it’s worth a try anyway. And no, Special K will not do the trick.

So, to sum up, I think it’s fine if you masturbate at work. And, as you’ve already discovered, doing it in more dangerous and visible locations are only going to increase the amount of pleasure you receive from it. You should probably check with your human resources department, if you’re at all concerned, just to see if workplace masturbation would be a probable cause for termination. Some of the more conservative, backwards firms are still hung up on the old ways, and would prefer to live in a world of pleasureless self-denial. If your company is as modern and accepting as some, however, this activity could even get you a raise!


7 Responses to “Workplace masturbation”

  1. christian Says:

    recent study said something like 40% of people had masturbated at work..
    here is why:

  2. LOL Says:

    “as long as you clear it with your immediate supervisor”


  3. Adam & Eve, Sex Toys Says:

    “You should probably check with your human resources department,”

    I’d love to see the look on the HR person’s face during this kind of conversation!

  4. Free Celebrity Wallpapers Says:

    Im no expert, but I believe you just made quite a high quality stage point. You of course know what youre talking about, and I can honestly get behind that. Thanks for getting so upfront and so sincere.

  5. Deon Fialkov Says:

    LMAO …ask the “HR Resources department” – guess they’ll realise what you meant on your cv – “I work well alone” . “I’m a very hands-on type of person”

    “I get great pleasure from…”

    “I love working in a group…”

    “I have good inter-personal skills”

    “I know how to get rid of stress”

  6. Says:

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  7. grammar/spelling geek Says:

    I generally agree with the response, although I would like to point out that there is no such word as “irregardless”. That would be a double negative. The word is “regardless”, meaning “without regard”.

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