Longest letter ever

Dear Reid,

I have a friend (male), who I have known for a year now. Due to his often “odd behavior” at times, I’m beginning to wonder whether he may be queer or not. I remember when I met him, I asked him what kind of sports he was into, and had asked him if perhaps he would like to get together sometime for a game of basketball or tennis. At the mention of the word tennis, he turned to look at me, (and the look that he gave me kind of creeped me out), as he announced “I’d love that ! ”, while his eyes grew wide with excitement. It was just so plain to see, but the thing that made me want to inch away, if not jump right out of my own skin was the fact that he put his arm behind my seat (passenger seat in his vehicle), leaned towards me and gave me a long stare while smile-ing from ear to ear at me. Well, as uneasy as I felt at that moment, I quickly said, “I gotta go,” and left.

That’s not where the oddity begins however. Back when I worked for TD Financial Group I remember needing some assistance from a female co-worker of mine, to which later I was directed to a male co-worker who was a bit more experienced than her. Needless to say, this guy was becoming a bit friendly with me; to the point where he told me he had talked to another female co-worker about the girl that was seated next to me at my work station. He told me that in his conversation, he couldn’t understand why the girl that was seated next to me didn’t take an interest to me, and had her sights set on someone else. To which he also added, that he shared his thoughts openly with a female co-worker of his, and had said to her expressly “I can’t understand what she sees in the other guy, I think he’s (referring to me), very handsome, and attractive.”As with the thoughts of the female co-worker he talked to; I also shared her exact expression and whatever thoughts may have run through her mind at the time.“ I just looked at him, trying to figure what I could say to that.

Also, there have been times when I have gotten together with my friend to either play pool, or hang at the mall, or catch the latest release of an action flick; where he would just come out of the blue and either do, or say something that was totally out of the ordinary.

One such occurrence was when he said just out of the blue, ”I had a dream about you.“ That didn’t so much shock me, as surprise me at first. I asked him to elaborate on it, and tell me exactly what I was doing in his dream.” Much to my surprise he said, “ Well, we weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary, just holding hands. ”

My mind automatically, screamed WTF ?! “ Most guys have dreams about girls, or perhaps even past events from their life, but when a friend of yours, especially a male friend tells you he had a dream about you that just sheds light on a whole different perspective and level of how you view him.

And, to make me feel even uneasier than I’ve ever felt around him, he tells me that he has had similar dreams about his other friends too, but that if he were ever to share these with his other male friends, they might see this as a sign of being gay.

What bothers me here is often, I find him trying to reassure me that he is not gay, yet it makes it ever that more difficult to determine whether he is hiding something, or is just afraid that others may find out.

On top of that, he often at times asks me how open minded I am. I told him once that I was open minded, but I think he may have gotten a misrepresentation of that, and feels that he can he tell me whatever odd thing comes to his mind.

I’ve been in openly embarrassing situations at times, (not of my own doing), when around him. He seems to be the sort where he is openly expressive, to the point where is a touchy-feely person and wants a lot of attention or contact. When I first met him, he always insisted on getting a hug from me as a sign of greeting.

I asked him if he gets that from his other male friends, to which he admitted, ”Well, I hug my other friends and they don’t seem to mind it.“ Well, I’m sorry, but I’m a guy and I do not hug my friends, and will absolutely not hug any of my male friends. Now if it were a girl-friend I would not mind hugging her. To work around this matter, I suggested to him that we either just say hi to each other or shake hands when we meet since he seems to be the person who likes a lot of contact.

One thing that I can not shake from my mind, and there are quite a few that puzzle me about him; is the fact that one day my brother approached me and told me that my friend looks quite gay in the purple shorts that he was wearing. Mind you, he didn’t say this in front my friend’s presence, but he did wonder why I still hang around him.

I also caught my friend looking through ”Queer Culture“ books while I was looking at the magazine section at a Chapters store. He was the only one I saw standing in front of a table full of these books on Queer Culture. When I later approached him about this, his explanation for it was, ”It was just one of those things I happened to notice, it’s kind of like seeing a car accident.“ Excuse me? Did I hear right? Kind of like seeing a car accident?

That statement did not make any clear sense to me what so ever when he said it. I don’t even know why he said something like that; probably to mask his embarrassment perhaps? Anyways, I could go on and on about the odd things my friend has either said or has done, and the embarrassing situations I have found myself in when around him.

I will end it here though. Help me out Reid, what do I from here?



I know how you feel.

No, seriously, could you please give me a little more detail? For crying out loud, how am I supposed to offer anyone advice if they won’t open up to me? What do you really think? Help me help you.

Listen: Maybe your friend is gay, maybe he’s not. Unless you’re gay, and want a romantic relationship with him, then it doesn’t matter anyway. Move along.


3 Responses to “Longest letter ever”

  1. Gambit Says:

    I’ve got the same problem, except im in middle school please give tips that I could use

  2. Peter Says:

    Me two, I’ve got the same problem, exept i’m in high school. i’m started to feel attracted to him? please can u help me?

  3. Mr. P Says:

    Okay gentlemen, here’s the deal,

    Lighten up, be direct and honest.

    It’s 2007 for crying out loud. Who cares if he’s gay?! If you do, ask him. Say, “(name of friend), it’s 2007 for crying out loud so we can talk about this. You’re still my friend either way, but I’m curious – are you gay?” Be sure to say the part about being friends either way because if he is, it’s the fear of losing friends that’s keeping him from being open about it. When a guy is in high school, and especially in Junior High, he is still figuring out who and what he is, so it’s okay for him to say yes, no, “I don’t know,” or any variation thereof. And it’s okay for you to still be his friend, no matter what. Which brings us to the other issue; do you want to be his friend?

    Your concern seems to be more about your friend’s weird behavior than his sexual orientation. There are gay men who act so normal that even the newest upgrade of Gaydar 2007 can’t identify them. At the same time there are guys, both straight and gay, who are just too weird for words. Their behavior may be a way to deal with something inside or they just may not have a decent set of social skills. Either way, since it IS 2007 for crying out loud and we can talk about these things, you should be able to say to your weird-acting friend, “(name of friend), when you do (specific offensive action), I feel really uncomfortable. Sometimes I get so uncomfortable I don’t know how to react. Would you please stop doing (specific offensive action)?” Be sure to keep this about your feeling uncomfortable, not about him acting weird or your brother’s opinion of him.

    If he doesn’t stop the behavior, you might come to the conclusion that he likes the behavior more than you. You can then decide if you want to stop being his friend; as Reid puts it, move on and find another guy. I’m old and a teacher so I don’t know what music to recommend listening to for a sympathetic viewpoint. But because I’m old and a teacher, you probably can trust me.

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