I heard about this s**thead on the internet,
he gives u phony advice,
yet he still hasn’t found a f**king cure, for his crab lice.
I’d just like to know, what is the best way to make him pay,
for the s**t he says, and the fact that he’s gay.
I know you’ll know just what to say,
how are those crab lice anyway?
There’s f**ked up morons everywhere,
but few with bugs in their pubic hair.
I know I sound sour, and probably mean,
but imagine what u were like for your father to wean.
The truth must be that ur a queer,
so listen faggot, lend an ear.
I’ll school you in this sickening game,
where the responses you give to these losers is lame.
You think your gonna get acllaim,
the fact that your still on this earth is a shame.
Ur probably lost in your own little place,
but that no-one has killed u is quite a disgrace.
But before you go an get of your face,
don’t tell ur patients that ur panties have lace.
U think your kool, u think your tough,
but everyone smart has had enough.
Do you realise that there’s other people, just like you,
who have the same sick fetish for geese and poo.
I could show you how your such a clout,
but I think i’m all down, and i’ve cussed you out.
But one last thing before I go,
get a real f**king job, it might help, you know.
I know how you feel. I have to say, G UNIT, that this is quite possibly the sweetest letter I have ever received. You see, as a famous advice columnist, people are always coming to me with their problems. Day in and day out I sift through torrents of e-mail asking the same tired old questions.
There’s the “How can I tell if a boy likes me?” question:
9/20/04: Well i really like this boy and he’s always flirting with me, but i had me friend ask him if he liked me and he said no. But he’s always flirting and smiling at me and he stares at me a lot. But i don’t know if he likes me or not. and i don’t want to straight just ask him because i don’t know what he’s going to say. what should i do?
Then there’s the “How can I tell if my friend is gay?” inquiry:
9/17/04: I am a heterosexual male who is concerned that my best friend may be homosexual. I find this friend constantly staring at me when we are together. He also invades my personal space by moving very close to me.I find that he also wants to only be around me and not my other friends. Are these true signs of homosexuality? What should I do?
And, of course, there’s the combination of the two questions above… “How can I tell if my friend is gay and likes me?”:
10/20/04: This guy is my friend and I find myself attracted to him. I’m a guy also and I he gives me mixed messages on what his orientation is. He plays football and he acts very homophobic, but we sleep in the same bed when he stays over. He also asked me to give him a massage once. I told him one time that I liked him, but he didn’t say anything. What should I do?
Over and over and over, the same questions that I’ve already answered in great detail. To the authors of the questions above: the answers you seek are available if you’d only take the time to search through the archive. I know, I know… you all believe that your situation is unique. That despite the fact that this boy or that girl ignores you in the hallways or rebuffs your advances, there must be some hope. Or that, even though he has a girlfriend already, maybe he likes you, too.
The fact is, I don’t have a clue how to answer most of your questions. It’s been ten years since I was in high school, so I can’t even remember what it’s like to have all those mind-messing hormones coursing through my veins. And even if I could, I was such a smooth, put-together kind of guy that scoring was never even an issue for me. It just came naturally, you know? (Yeah, right — To be honest, I still haven’t figured out women.)
I’ll tell you one thing I have figured out, though: there is no such thing as “The One.” There is no single person divinely designated to be the love of your life. And even if there was, you almost certainly would not meet that person in high school. No, for every individual, there are literally thousands upon thousands of compatible mates… it’s just a matter of actually meeting people, talking to them, and getting to know them. None of you will like hearing this, I know. “But I just know that she’s the one I’m meant to be with,” you’ll whine. But, if she doesn’t feel the same way, how can that be? Wake up and move on.
Over the past several months, I had become disillusioned with my task. In fact, it’s been four months since I last answered a letter. Today, however, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. G UNIT, this is the first time that anyone has ever written to address my problems… and I must say, it’s refreshing. Your poetry has touched me. You’ve inspired in me a newfound vigor with which I feel I will be able to tackle any challenge that should come my way. Thanks to you, I’m back and raring to go.
Well, after I take a two-week vacation, that is…