Mr. Fantastic

Dear Reid,

My boyfriend just got out of the army and now we are together. Back in January, when he was on leave, we’d tried to had sex — but he couldn’t, uh, perform. Now we are living together and it’s the same thing again. It’s been going on like this for over a month.

We can kiss for hours and he is seemingly unaffected. On the rare occasions when he does somehow become ready, he wants me just to jump on him immediately. Unfortunately, it never lasts. No matter what we try, we can never finish the act.

I’m beginning to suspect he’s in love with someone else. It’s even crossed my mind that he might be gay, and only stays with me as a “front” for his family. I’ve confronted him about it, but he denies those possibilities. What should I do?


The Invisible Woman

I know how you feel. I’m afraid what happened to your boyfriend—well, maybe from now on you should just consider him a roommate—can only be explained by one possibility. Clearly he was the subject of a top-secret military experiment in space. I saw an investigative report about this very thing on the news. Basically, the story goes like this:

A rich plastic surgeon from Miami had this practice with his best friend from college. But the college friend was now married to the girl that the other guy used to like back in school. So she takes a red pill and gets on board this spaceship with Morpheus and a paleontologist who specializes in dinosaurs of the Jurassic period. The ship’s computer goes crazy and even the shield can’t save everyone from a solar flare they are steered into.

Long story short, everyone aboard were turned into mutants with fantastic new powers. One guy got super strength. One guy can fly and light himself on fire. And one guy, now, can do anything a spider can. Turns out your new roommate got the short end of the stick: the amazing elastic powers of Stretch Armstrong.

As of this writing, no cure has been discovered for space mutations. Luckily, there are many aids and substitutes for you to use while researchers diligently work on the problem. On the bright side, he’ll never have trouble reaching a new roll of toilet paper when the one in a public restroom stall runs out.


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