Friend of an S.O.

Dear Reid,

Why oh why do you update this column so infrequently? I have come to rely on your sexually enticing commentary for answers to the majority of my social dilemmas as well as for personal inspirational material! I heed the need to read more Reid indeed.

How else will I know how to react when the guy who sits behind me in class plays with my hair or when my boyfriend comes out of the closet or when I accidentally walk in on my roommate making friends with Rosy Palm? Also I am concerned about what type of bikini wax I should get next and I heard you are the expert.

But most importantly, I have an inappropriate crush on my significant other’s friend. Is it okay to fantasize about said friend as long as I don’t act on said crush?

Betsy Clogflog

I know how you feel. First, Betsy, it’s important for you to realize that giving advice is not my real job, as much as I’d like it to be. My loyal readers, unfortunately, do not provide sufficient support in the form of t-shirt buying and Amazon linking and, of course, sponsor supporting. That, and my supply of original material (a.k.a. letters of an interesting and unique nature), seems to have slowed to a trickle ever since Dawn Micelli started pimping out her own brand of useless advice on The Dawn and Drew Show. How are my 10 years of experience as a terrifically unqualified™ advice columnist supposed to compete with a catchy jingle?

Anyway, enough of my troubles. Let’s talk about your crush. Being the friend of many significant others myself, I have personal experience with your problem. I am a pretty irresistable guy, if I do say so myself, so it won’t surprise you to learn that I have been the target of many an inappropriate crush. What did I do in that situation? Simple: go for it! I mean, what have you got to lose? Is a lifelong frienship really worth more to you than a few hours (or even minutes) of hot, sweaty passion? I don’t think so!

There is, of course, another option. One that could be a win-win scenario for all the parties involved. I’ve long been an advocate of one simple method for resolving all conflicts involving three or more people. That method, of course, is to propose a threesome. By proposing a threesome, all parties involved are forced to confront their feelings, and really dig deep within themselves to see what they’re made of. If any person backs out, you know they aren’t in it for the long haul, and therefore not worthy of your further attention. And if nobody backs out, you get to fulfill my–er, I mean your–wildest fantasy. How can it go wrong?

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