Hawk your faux hawk

Dear Reid,

I’m having trouble coming up wi a way to get rich quick and I was wondering if you have any ideas. I know they say you have to spend money to make money, and I’m willing to do just that… starting with a $10 per week allowance. How can I turn my pittance into prosperity, prefrerably without having to wait? Please help.

Penniless in Pennsylvania

I know how you feel. I too have felt the pain of an empty wallet, and occasionally have trouble making ends meet. Why, just the other day I had to settle for buying a new 40″ flat screen TV, when I really wanted a 50″. But what’s a man to do? Being a world-renowned fake online advice columnist can only get you so far in life.

faux hawkSo I, like many others, have turned to the classic pyramid model business plan for help. The way it works, see, is that you take your $10 allowance and use it to send out 100 letters to people asking them to become your business partners in selling some sort of product; it doesn’t really matter what. (Hell, sell styling gel guaranteed to help you sculpt the perfect faux hawk, if you can’t think of something else.)

Anyway, you ask each person to send you $10 for the rights to act as a part of your sales force, and send the letter on to as many people as they can—each of whom is to send $10 to the one who sent them the letter. That person, then, must kick $5 back up to you. Those people then send out more letters, more money gets kicked back up the chain, and then eventually you’re rich.

Thankfully, in today’s modern world of e-commerce all this happens quickly enough that you can flee the country without ever having to deliver the goods. So, there you have it—a fool-proof way to get rich quick with minimal investment. And you owe it all to the faux hawk.


2 Responses to “Hawk your faux hawk”

  1. david! Says:

    i feel famous.

  2. grimirmexhigo Says:

    There was this guy see.
    He wasn’t very bright and he reached his adult life without ever having learned “the facts”.
    Somehow, it gets to be his wedding day.
    While he is walking down the isle, his father tugs his sleeve and says,

    “Son, when you get to the hotel room…Call me”

    Hours later he gets to the hotel room with his beautiful blushing bride and he calls his father,

    “Dad, we are the hotel, what do I do?”

    “O.K. Son, listen up, take off your clothes and get in the bed, then she should take off her clothes and get in the bed, if not help her. Then either way, ah, call me”

    A few moments later…

    “Dad we took off our clothes and we are in the bed, what do I do?”

    O.K. Son, listen up. Move real close to her and she should move real close to you, and then… Ah, call me.”

    A few moments later…


    “O.K. Son, Listen up, this is the most important part. Stick the long part of your body into the place where she goes to the bathroom.”

    A few moments later…

    “Dad, I’ve got my foot in the toilet, what do I do?”

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