The poo-smearing friend

Dear Reid,

I have a problem. My “friend”, let’s call him “Abe”, recently visited my house. I was very excited to see him, had a very nice time, and was honestly sad to see him leave. You can imagine my suprise and horror, however, when I checked in the guest bathroom after his departure and realized that it had been smeared wall to wall with poo.

I guess what I’m asking is: Do you think Abe ‘likes me’ likes me? Or does he just like me? And if I think I like him back, how should I proceed considering the poo incident?

Sincerely,
Mixed up in Poo

I know how you feel. Smearing poo all over someone’s wall can really send mixed signals. On the one hand, it might be a desperate cry for attention: “Love me! Look at my poo!” On the other hand, it could be a sign of intense disrespect: “I hate you! Look at my poo!” Interpreting the message all depends on the quantity and intensity of the poo smears.

If the smears appear to have been carefully and gently applied, perhaps in long, swooping curves, it’s probably a good sign. It’s even better if the poo is smeared into shapes, such as hearts and rainbows and unicorns. A lovingly smeared poo is certain to convey a message of admiration and, perhaps, adoration.

Contrarily, if the poo smears seem violent and angry—in short, slashing strokes—it’s not looking good for the possibility of romance. Poo that has simply been spread quickly on a wall with abandon, having been given little care for even dispersement and symmetrical presentation, is generally intended to convey a message of dislike. Even in this case, however, you need not necessarily take it personally. Perhaps he was simply offended by the pink stucco and bunny-rabbit trim in your bathroom.

5 Responses to “The poo-smearing friend”

  1. body odour bob Says:

    hey yer budy wasted that quality poo on the walls.he shud have smeared all that poo all over your body.climb into the bathtub and have some good smelly fun.enough of that chocolate smearing.sex is supposed to be dirty.
    live up to it and use your own poo and pee that god gave u to highten your sex life. get rid of the chocolate and whip cream.and use gods gift poo and pee.

  2. xxxxdeano89xxxx (xbox gamertag) Says:

    i am quite an expert in poo smearing and i can tell that the reason for it, is because i love seeing poo all over the fucking wall, it turns me on so fucking much its unreal. i fucking loveto lick it off then have my mum eat my shiy. yess I FUCKING LOVE IT

  3. BF I Youngy Says:

    I luv cuttin poo up so much

  4. BF I Mr Stabby Says:

    i love to smear poo on walls, its a sign of affection, your partner then has to lick it off

  5. Adrian Goulbourn Says:

    I love doing it myself

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