Just one of the guys

Dear Reid,

So I am one of those girls who has all guy friends and hardly any friends that are girls. One problem with is i have no ability to tell if a boy is flirting with me because he actually likes me or if he just wants to be friends. I always get this part wrong but there is this boy and I really can’t tell.

He is a coach for this baseball team and I am a nanny, so we are always at their games. The first time I met him was at the boys’ camp, and from then on when he sees me at the games he always stops to tease me and say something. But then when my boys started going to the camp I would sit watching from a distance he would always come over (out of his way in a sense) and talk to me, or ask me why I wasn’t somewhere. He also started to joke around with the boys I watched.

I haven’t really had a real conversation with him except the day before my birthday but the moments we see each other are moments that are hard to really get more then two words in but to the point (sorry) the other night was my birthday and me and the boys I watch were at his game and he turned to me and mouthed “Happy birthday,” but then only talked my boys for the rest of the night and kinda ingored me. So is he ignoring me to try to get me to like him more or is he playing hard to get? I just want to know if he likes me or is there something that I can do?

Thank you,

Baseball Confused

I know how you feel. First, let’s get one thing cleared up: this guy likes you in a “more than friends” kind of way, without a doubt. So, in all likelihood, do the vast majority of the other guy friends you hang out with, but they’re all in an impossible situation.

It sounds to me like you’re one of those girls who confuses and confounds the hell out of guys. You’ve got a talent for flirting with them and getting them interested in you, but then you never give them the opening they need to take the next step. Thus, you have all kinds of guy friends hanging around all the time, but no boyfriend.

There’s a big misconception out there that guys always have to “make the first move.” In reality, guys NEVER make the first move. Guys simply react to the circumstances they have in front of them. If you want this guy to ask you out, give him an opening. If you want him to kiss you, linger in one of those long pauses to set him up. It’s a biological, deeply ingrained ritual we follow here. If you’re waiting for some magic movie moment when the guy spontaneously sweeps you off your feet, it’s not going to happen. You have to fall into his arms first, then and only then will he carry you off into the sunset.

I’ll leave you with one closing thought. If you think a guy might be flirting with you—even if it’s just a slight feeling or a hunch—he almost definitely is. Guys, on the whole, are not good at the whole romancing thing. We need a little encouragement, even if it’s just those subtle non-verbal cues. You have to do your part to move things along, or you’ll spend the rest of your life as just one of the guys.

8 Responses to “Just one of the guys”

  1. Baseball confused Part 2 Says:

    Dear Reid,
    I know I have already written you about this boy but things have gotten a bit more complicated since I last wrote you. After I read the advice that you wrote on my last question I went out and talked to the boy the next day and ended up giving him my number. He told me he didn’t have any time that week to talk but he’d call me the next week. Then I didn’t think twice about it until the following week. The kids who I nanny for had just started his camp again and I again had to sit there everyday while they were in camp but on the first day of camp the guy’s team had a game that night and my kids wanted to go. So we went to the game and the base player said nothing to me (which didn’t phase me) and we left early but I got the night off and went back to talk to a friend. To get to the point faster that night he texted and said “Do you go to every game” and when I said yes, he respond “Well I saw you there but not the boys” I thought he might like me. So the texting went on for the next couple of nights and I saw him during the day but never really got the chance to talk to him. On Thursday he invited me to meet his friends and him at a bar. So I did. Alone. He ended up introducing me to a guy next me and that guy and I talked the whole night and when it was time to leave my guy said “well it was great talking to you” and then we parted ways. A minute later I got a text saying” my friends told me that I should have gone home with you but I told them you weren’t that kid of girl”. The next two days we texted a lot and then Sunday he called me to say that the guy I had talked to that whole night at the bar (who had been our little joke) was upset that I wasn’t older and that I couldn’t go out with him and then my guy said I’ll see you at the game tonight. I had the night off but I had a problem. Someone wanted to introduce me to some of the players after the game. So I had to stay the whole game and after the game I met them and gave them my number. Knowing I had no interest and I didn’t want to give it to them. Anyways my guy saw the whole thing and when I sent him a funny text he responded. “Do your thing and not say hi to me after the game. I see how it is”( I knew this was coming and he was working so I couldn’t say hi) Anyways( imp sorry this is really long but I need help) I told him to meet me and so we did but my friend was in my car because she wanted to see what went down. Basically my plan was to grab his face and kiss him (but I chickened out and I later told him of this plan) but instead I jumped into his parked car and we talked and we’re having a good time. When the conversation had come to a lull and his phone had been ringing the whole time because he wasn’t where he was supposed to be and I just said to him” when am I going to get my kiss” He laughed and went to fix his phone and kissed me. A couple of minutes later he had told me about what he had to the next day and how I hardly had worked this we. Then we parted ways and we texted a little that night and then I didn’t hear from him the next day at all. Since I have never had a boy or even thought that one might like me, I was really worried. LATE that night I sent him a text asking about the game and we chatted for a minute but as I was waiting I feel asleep. That was Monday and I haven’t heard from him. My friends say he was the 3 day rule but I don’t know if I have scared him off or what but I want to hear from him and I don’t’ what to do because I am tired of always being the person to start the conversations. Do I sit and wait for him or do I call him??

    Thank you

  2. Reid Says:

    I know how you feel. It sounds like this guy is kind of a pussy. He can’t get up the guts to call you, let alone kiss you, without significant prodding. From what you tell me, he may be somewhat shy and lack confidence. If you really like him, go ahead and take the lead. And enough texting already! Pick up the phone and set up a real, proper date.

  3. Baseball confused Says:

    Dear Reid,
    I wish it was that easy and I know enough texting but I am a bit of chicken too. I haven’t ever been in a situation like this. I have never kissed a guy and actually liked him after it. Wow that is really sad to say. Also I did finally call him to say that I saw the guy from the bar that night(our joke) and I have yet to hear from him. Also every time it comes to me and relationships all my friends say that I am like a boy. I don’t know what to do. There is one other thing that could be holding him back. THere is an age difference between us and it doesn’t seem to phase me but it might bug him and the detail that when the summer ends he will be going back to Cali and I’ll be going back to New York. See I don’t care about these details because I want to have fun while he is here but I dont know if they bug him. Haha this is a joke. I guess it is what it is. If you do have any ideas or if you want to talk some sense into he(just kidding) please let me know,. Thank You

  4. Baseball confused Says:

    I just wanted to say thank you for your help. I think I might have figured out what to do and if I screw it up then either I am idiot or it wasn’t meant to be but thanks again.

  5. co-worker Says:

    Hi, i have a question. I was just in a situation w/ a guy for awhile where he says that his visting me up to three times a day (with light flirting on his part) at work is what it is otherwise he would have “done something.” now he is seeing someone else and we are not talking. i am incredibly hurt (we were very close). But here is my question, i too (like Ms. Baseball) have/ had many male friends (and female-people love to talk to me). I also do what i am supoosed to do (give physical signals- not too overt but body language, ask guys to do things for me, like carry something- i do this because i am very independent and want to convey that i need them, i smile, laugh, look them in the eye, dress sexy but not too much, work out tons etc….) but you mention that Ms. baseball needs to send signals that you want them to ask you out. well i have had this guy say “do you like movies?” Me: yes, I haven’t been to a movie in a long time.” and the next day he brings me in movies!!!! my office mate at the time said i was in the “friend category.” ok fine but i felt it was more, why visit me so much and bring me gifts like chocolate? so how do i let a guy know that i want him to ask me out? Thanks.

  6. Just Another Girl Says:

    It sounds like he’s just not that into you hun. Read the book. It will change your life. Good luck with everything.

  7. Schedule Says:

    Best you should edit the post name title Just one of the guys Dear Reid to more catching for your webpage you write. I enjoyed the the writing withal.

  8. Soul.of.Man Says:

    This is simple and easy. You have too many so called “male friends” “platonic friends” Most men won’t take a woman seriously if she has more male friends then female friends. There is a great imbalance there. In the conquest of a romantic relationship a men is turned off by an abundance of male presence who are considered friends while the male counter parts are standing by awaiting chance and opportunity. It is not an attractive situation and although you may receive attention it will only be in the interim until a more attractive situation comes along.

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